Falling Into Place

Book Review: An Amish Love

2010-12-13T19:03:00.000-06:00

I had the opprotunity to review the book An Amish Love by Beth Wiseman, Kathleen Fuller, and Kelly Long. I really enjoyed this book, although I went into this expirience thinking there was no way I would enjoy or understand a book about Amish ways. This book has a stronger point of Love and Faith, and you do not have to be of any particular faith to understand the feelings being portrayed in this book.

This book contained three stories of which I liked the first the best. A Marriage of the Heart by Kelly Long told an amazingly deep story of Abigail Kauffman and Joeseeph Lambert working to overcome the marriage they find themselves in, and the secrets they are keeping to themselves. I found this story intriguing and wanted it to continue once I read the last page...it felt like it could have been a much longer story and still kept my attention just the same.

The second story What the Heart Sees by Kethleen Fuller was another tale that pulls at the heartstrings and makes you want more once it is over. I found myself reading this straight through without taking a break. It was a very well written story.

The last story in the book was Healing Hearts by Beth Wiseman. I feel that although this was a well written story I did not relate as much to the characters because of their age. I did however enjoy the compilation of all of these tales together, and I would recommend this book to a few people in my life and anyone who enjoys a modest romance story.

Embracing Your Second Calling Find Passion and Purpose for the Rest of Your Life

2010-11-24T11:14:00.000-06:00

I read Embracing Your Second Calling Find Passion and Purpose for the Rest of Your Life, and I wanted it to be a great book. It had such promise and sounded incredible but I found it really difficult to get into the book.
The writing was not what I expected, but it was still good. I feel it needed more flow. I had to take a break from this book, which I hate doing, just so I could regroup and get myself ready to finish it. It seemed like this book was being told by two different people, some of the stories were fantastic and helpful, they pulled me in and I wanted to read more and more. Then there were times that the author referring to other books and authors and that made the book seem to drag on, as if she did not have enough of her own ideas to fill her pages so she just referred to these other ideas by other authors.

The best part of this book was the spirituality. Bringing faith back into the disappointments in your life is a great message and something that more people should be exposed to. This book can inspire you to step up to the challenges in your life and approach them with the strongest tool in your life, Faith.

The Loss of a Lifetime. (Our story)

2010-10-09T22:05:00.000-05:00

In honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Loss Remembrance Day on October 15 I am sharing my story with you, This was written February 6, 2008 after losing our son October 19, 2007 at 18 weeks gestation. We delivered him at 12:36am on October 20.

Twenty-one years old. I am twenty-one years old, but I do not do the things that a normal person my age does. I have not been to a bar for a night of drinking, I have not finished college. But what have I done? I have had my only child die. I have held my dead baby in my hands, and never held him alive. I have so much to tell him, but he is not here.

I found out that I was having a baby two weeks after I turned twenty-one. My boyfriend Jeff was happy, and he was there for me. I did not feel sadness I did not feel frightened I was incredibly happy. I couldn't wait. I called the local OB/GYN and made my first appointment and I told my family the exciting news. I quit smoking and did not drink. I left my job when I began to have some very rough morning sickness, and started to think about becoming a mommy.

I had blood tests and a consultation with my doctor, Dr. H. I followed doctors orders and began to prepare myself by reading all the books I could. I had my first ultrasound and saw the tiny ten week life we created. We went out immediately after the appointment and copied our pictures and gave them to Jeff's mother, my mother, my aunt and uncle who raised me, and my sister. I waited patiently for my second ultrasound, to find out the gender of our tiny baby. I had another check up with Dr. H at sixteen weeks the baby had a normal heartbeat and I had a routine blood test a triple-screen. Optional, they told me this was optional. I thought, sure why not, what could it hurt?

Let me say that when your doctors office calls you it is never for normal test results. I heard the nurse say that there is a chance of downs syndrome... a chance. I would have to talk to a genetic counselor, get an ultrasound, and have an amniocentesis all early the next morning. I called my family and cried, what if something was wrong? We had a normal heartbeat at sixteen weeks and I wasn't quite eighteen weeks. I went to my online diary and got messages from my readers, all of the women who had abnormal test results on the triple-screen tuned out to be false positives. I was slightly relieved. I managed to relax.

The next morning we drove to St. Louis and we met with the genetic counselor, went over the family history. Jeff and I sat there holding hands and I cried because I was still scared. The talk seemed to go on forever, but finally the time for the ultrasound came and I sat in the dim-lit room waiting for the nurse. She came in and explained that anything she found she could not talk about, she would go talk to the doctor about what she found out and then he would come talk to us. But as she began the ultrasound I saw that our baby was not moving. From this point on I knew there were tears streaming down my face, and I knew that the nurse could not tell me whether he was gone or not, but I somehow knew he was. The nurse left the room and I turned to my boyfriend and I told him I knew the baby was gone...dead.

The doctor came in a few minutes later and started talking to us about what was shown on the ultrasound. The baby had a twisted spine, probably from scoliosis. The doctor was not clear on whether the baby was still alive or not, so I just asked... very bluntly as I recall. In the end we found out that yes, our baby had passed.

I was sent back to my OB/GYN and I walked through the waiting room of people who had nothing wrong, I was puffy eyed and flushed, and my baby was dead in my womb. That is a feeling I would never wish for anyone to have. I was heartbroken and facing more decisions. My doctor did a quick exam and asked me if I wanted to go across to the hospital for labor and delivery or wait and do it the next day. I was shocked, I did not think I would have to deliver my baby... it never crossed my mind. I knew I could not handle going home knowing my baby was not alive inside of me, so my boyfriend and I headed to the hospital across the street.

I went to be admitted, and thought of how much it hurt to have to go to labor and delivery barely looking pregnant to not be able to take a baby home with me. I took the elevator up to the fourth floor and walked to the room I was assigned to. My nurse was there, Chris, she was really nice as she explained to me what was going to happen through the night, it was going to take me all night, at least until midnight to deliver. I changed into my gown and got into bed, I was going to be there for a while. I asked Chris if I was going to be able to see the baby after delivery. I was relieved to hear that we could see and even hold the baby. But it was going to be a long night.

My doctor came over and started the medicine that would help me go into labor. It was a tablet that was placed behind my cervix. I had to lay flat on my back for three hours, then I sat up for a few minutes, but of course they had to place another tablet soon after. My boyfriend sat there in that room with me, watching tv, talking to my sister-in-law and friend since junior high, they would go out together to smoke when I would fall asleep from my pain medicine.

Every so often Cris would check my cervix for dilation, and then give me another tablet. I was very hungry but was not allowed to eat anything because there was a chance of me having to get a D&C if delivery did not go well. After a while it was the end of Chris' shift and the night nurse Corrine came in, she was very nice as well but I was still so scared and sad that I couldn't believe that everything was really happening.

At midnight Corrine came in to check for dilation, she felt nothing. I was changed over from my injected pain meds to a medicine that I could get with a push button every six minutes. But as soon as Corrine left I began to feel a lot of pressure and then the baby was coming, I started to yell for Jeff who was in the hall on the phone with his mother. Corrine and Dr. H come in and Dr. H caught our baby in his bare hand. They took the baby over to the incubator and examined him. Yes, it was a little boy. Jeff picked his name Gabryel Alexander. I held my baby in my hands and had to somehow say goodbye to him, I did not know what to do. We talked to Gabryel, and cried for him, the nurses took pictures for us and brought us a blanket for him. Eventually we said goodbye and the nurses took him away.

Last week I was asleep on the couch and Jeff was at work when the phone rang. I answered to hear the voice of the man who helped us at the funeral home. We had Gabryel cremated a few days after the delivery, and the funeral home did everything for free. I was surprised to hear that they had ordered and urn for Gabryel's remains. We were told that since he was so small there would most likely be no remains left, but we had a miracle now... Gabe's urn was ready for me to pick up. I now have the tiny silver urn sitting next to the picture of me and Jeff with Gabryel. It is not much but this is what I have of my baby, my son, my first child, my Gabryel.

It has been six weeks to the day today and I still think of him every day. I finally sat and wrote this down. I think of the time I had, it was less than 18 weeks I got to hold my son in my womb. That, to me, does not seem a fair amount of time to spend with my first child. My baby did not even make it out of the womb alive. I did not get to feel the kicks or squirms of life in my belly. But I already had to feel the sadness of dealing with a child's death, at twenty-one years old.

Rest In Peace Gabryel Alexander Flowers

This entry was written June 29, 2009, our son Aedan was 3 months old and I found myself thinking of Gabryel a lot.

I find myself thinking about Gabryel a lot lately. I miss him to say the least. I wonder what it would have been like to have both of my boys together. It has been nearly two years since we lost Gabryel and it seems to be just as hard as ever. I always thought things would get easier but now I see that I will always cry when I think of him, I will always be reminded of him, and I will always think of him when Aedan hits a milestone.

My boys' due dates were only a week apart. Gabryel's was March 20 and Aedan's was March 13. I found out I was pregnant with Gabryel on July 16, 2007 and Aedan on July 3, 2008. I had ultrasounds on very close dates and I hit the dreaded 18 weeks at about the same time. We found out we lost Gabryel on October 19, 2007 via ultrasound... he was 18 weeks. I found out Aedan's gender early since they originally had the appointment scheduled for October 20, my doctor understood that it would have been hard for me to get an ultrasound that day.

I delivered Gabryel at 12:36am on October 20, and that will forever be his "birth date" and I will never forget that date. I remember holding him for what seemed like forever and at the same time would never be long enough. Just knowing that when we let them take him away we would never hold him again. It was incredibly hard for Jeff and me to decide when to let him go... how can you say I have spent enough time holding him? I could have stayed there for an eternity.

The nurses came in and took some pictures for us... they measured him...and made footprints, and I counted his little toes over and over. I still bring out his pictures every now and then, just to see how tiny he was, to see his face, to let it all out.

We had to decide what to do for funeral arrangements. I couldn't bring myself to have a funeral service for him since my family could not come, it would be to hard to remember it that way. We called our distant family's funeral home and they offered to do a cremation for free, we chose to accept. They let us know that since he was so small there might not be any remains left for an urn, and that was hard to take. But with the chances of us moving I could not let him be buried in a cemetery we couldn't visit.

Six weeks after we had him cremated I got a call from the funeral home, his urn was finally in and ready for us to pick up. I never thought that I would ever have to go pick up my son's ashes...not at 21 years old. It was a mixture of disbelief, devastation, and happiness. I had an urn...a memento of my son. I have the urn out on display...for all to see. I put his pictures (all but one) away with his hospital blanket and our hospital bracelets and other items.

I wonder if he and Aedan would be alike in personality, or if they would look similar. I wonder if we would have stayed here in Missouri or left to go back to California. Things were different back then, but now I have to be happy that we had Aedan, we did not forget Gabryel by any means, and he can never be replaced. I love both of my sons.

Now it has been almost 3 years, I have a third child on the way and we are hoping for a healthy baby. Still, we miss our first and we feel that sharing our story might help someone else. I know that no matter how much things change I will always miss my angel baby. Please remember to be there for those in your life when they need you, the loss of a child truly lasts a lifetime.

Feeling proud of my husband.

2010-08-15T21:23:00.000-05:00

I am filled with pride for my husband. He is the strongest person I know and I feel like he can do anything. This time last year we were losing everything...we had to move out of our apartment since we could no longer afford our rent with Jeff being out of work. He had just been diagnosed with stage 3 colon cancer, he had his large intestine removed, and a surgery for an ileostomy meaning his small intestine was through his skin leading into an ostomy bag.

We just moved into Jeff's mother's house and I shared the twin size bed with Aedan and Jeff slept on the floor. We did this for 4 months, it was hard and now I look at it as 'strengthening' to our relationship. We eventually got on disability for Jeff and saved up and moved into our house. Yes, we bought a house 4 months after not being able to afford an apartment.

Aedan had his first Christmas in his own home because Jeff worked hard to get us there, he was our rock. Even while going though chemotherapy he made us feel stable. We now are expecting our third child. It makes me think of how much I needed Jeff over the last 4 years. He helped me through the death of our son Gabryel. He was willing to immediately start trying for Aedan, and now he is there for me with the new baby making me sick.

I guess I am there for him just as much as he is there for me. While he was going through chemotherapy I inspired him to get a hobby, then supported him while he learned the art of candy making. He is really good, and I know I bought him the first molds and recipe books. I reap the rewards of homemade caramels and chocolates while he kept his sanity through the fight of his life. Now we are thinking of serving those same types of homemade candies at the baby shower...and I feel proud of him being such a great candy maker.

I love him, and no matter how many times I tell him, nothing says it like my pride for him, and my willingness to stand by him through hard times.

If my 'online friends' were my 'real life friends'...

2010-08-03T16:11:00.000-05:00

I feel like I have very few friends anymore. I used to have people calling me all the time asking me to go bowling or to a movie. Now? Not so much. Having a kid can make you the odd person out pretty quickly. Some of my friends from high school have kids, but most of them have 6-7 year olds, not exactly ideal for playdates. What 7 year old wants to play with a 1 year old?

I found myself in a crying fit yesterday watching a sad movie where the husband dies. I don't like watching things like that for one reason: My husband almost died...and we still deal with his mortality on a regular basis. SO due to that movie I got upset and cried, I ran to Facebook looking for comfort and the two people I ended up talking to are not really that close to me, in either way that can be taken.

One person was a girl I know from high school, I haven't seen her in person in a few years and she is pregnant with her first child. She and I are not CLOSE but we have more in common now than back then. The other person was my Husband's ex girlfriend. Ha. I still find that funny. We added each other on Facebook since Jeff and I both have friends that are exes. He is friends WITH MY exes lol. So she and I chatted and it made me feel better.

I began to wonder...Where are my local friends? I am starting to think I don't have many. There is my co-blogger from ITMB, she and I knew each other from high school. Then there are my sister in laws...does that count? From there? I have maybe one or two other girls I know well enough to call a friend and that is it. Sad.

So there is my thought for the day. Why can't my 'online friends' be my 'real life friends'?

Feeling like myself again.

2010-07-26T12:58:00.000-05:00

After weeks of barely being able to keep anything down, I found something that works for me. Now I am feeling more like myself than I have in quite a while. I am still queasy and sick feeling but the actual vomiting has become few and far between. I am eating well again, that makes me feel a ton better. I still end up eating more sugar, salt, and butter than I should but I am working on it.

I have an appointment with my OB/GYN on August 5, we have a lot to talk about then, but until then I am working on my list of things to talk about. I am so forgetful that if I do not write things down I will never remember them when the time comes.

I am finally catching up on housework and other things I need to get done. It is nice to feel productive again.

Doing it for you.

2010-07-03T22:11:00.000-05:00

I have been so sick lately, that is nothing new I went through some killer morning sickness with my boys but this is by far the worst I have experienced. My loving husband called my OB after I didn't keep anything down for over 24 hours and they called in some medicine for me. Unfortunately, I had a terrible reaction to the meds and now I am stuck with the vomiting again. I am under orders to go to the hospital and get hydrated if I go too long without keeping anything down. Luckily the hospital is just over a block away...but I still don't want to have to go.

Somehow I have managed to eat quite a bit today and keep it all down, so I am hoping tomorrow will be more of the same. I need to sit down and write up all my posts for In the Mommy Business while I am feeling well.

Now I must say:

Dear Baby,
Please be nice to Mommy. I love you.

Wordless Wednesday: First time feeding the ducks.

2010-06-30T19:50:00.000-05:00

Today we took Aedan to the city lake to feed the ducks our old stale bread. Since this is less than a mile from our house I think we will be going back soon.

Friday Flip Offs.

2010-06-25T12:38:00.000-05:00

I can't resist this after the week I have had. I saw this on another blog Mom's Blog @ Mommy Enterprises I really like the idea of venting my frustrations with all the other Flip Off bloggers.

TO MY HORMONES: FLIP OFF I have been involved in three unnecessary fights this week, I know I get into a fair few fights on my own but those have reasons behind them. I would love for my hormones to back off and let me think clearly for a few minutes.

TO THE IRS: FLIP OFF Seriously? An audit? We sent you exact copies of the original papers we filed with. We did not lie on our taxes, and since my husband is disabled we really could have used that money ages ago.

TO MORNING SICKNESS: FLIP OFF You are right up there with hormones. Pregnancy has made me a wreck and throwing up every day is making it that much worse. I should NOT have to take bags in the car with me in case I get sick while I am out.

I would end this with a linky but I have no expectations for follow ups here. Just read and enjoy. Eff my week.

Pregnant Ninja

2010-06-17T10:35:00.000-05:00

My husband has always told me I am a strange sleeper while I am pregnant, no tossing and turning, some snoring, and sometimes talking. Last night was one of those strange nights, I went to bed early because I had a headache but ended up talking to Eliza on the phone for a while. After I got off the phone and fell asleep Jeff came in to try to go to bed.

He managed to get on the bed but he could not wrench the blanket out of my hands. He told me I had a 'ninja death grip' like I twisted the blanket around my arm and pinned it down next to me. He pulled and pulled and eventually got up and moved to the couch.

I woke up wondering why I had the bed to myself and laughed hysterically while he told the story of his defeat. It is going to be a hard 9 months for him.

Photo Dump. may-june

2010-06-16T21:40:00.000-05:00

Yesterday Jeff took a picture of my 'figure' ( I use that term loosely) before baby. I am just over 5 weeks pregnant and this is my tummy.

See those stretch marks? I am oddly proud of those. I got those with my second pregnancy, my son Aedan. Our first pregnancy made it to 16 weeks, or son Gabryel would be 2 now. So seeing those stretch marks reminds me of being pregnant with our healthy baby boy who was born at a whopping 10 lbs...early too!
It makes me wonder what this pregnancy will be like.

Today we took Aedan to the park. When I went to get the pictures from the park from my camera I had others from late May and early June so I thought I would share some of them.

We have a mulberry tree in our yard, one day we let Aedan go barefoot in the back yard and these are his cute purple feet. This picture was taken AFTER I tried to wash the purple off.

This is what happens when you leave the door open a little too long when it is raining. Aedan always runs for the door when it opens, but he loves being wet and playing in water so he ran out to splash!

These were taken at the Fireman's Parade in our town, before the Fireman's Picnic. We took Aedan to the carnival this weekend also but we had his 3 year old cousin as well and had our hands full and forgot to take pictures.

This is our cat Chicken sleeping on Aedan while he napped in the living room.

One morning we found Aedan hanging off his bed sleeping, being the cruel parents we are, we took a picture before putting him back in bed.

He likes wearing Daddy's hat. (and Mommy likes sitting on her butt in the background) Yes, our living room it trashed, it indeed has a highchair in it, and yes there is a huge pile of boxes.

And lastly, Aedan and Jeff had a tickle fight a few hours ago...I like his laughing face.

Feel Like Writing.

2010-06-13T19:13:00.000-05:00

So. I feel like writing.I have been browsing amazon for things I want for the new baby. I have already picked my crib, car seat, double stroller, pack and play, bouncer seat, and a bunch of other things. That might be the only good thing about giving all of Aedan's stuff away, now I get new stuff.

His crib was recalled and is sitting in my mother-in-law's basement, his swing was given to the neighbor, his car seat and stroller set went to Jeff's sister, his bouncer went to my cousin's baby, his pack and play went in the trash when it broke. All of his clothes went to other kids we know or charity. We really only spent about $100 on clothes and $200 on furishings/gear for him everything else was given to us. Almost nothing was new.

There are tons of things I wish would go on my baby registry but Amazon does not show Etsy items, lol. I will have to make an Etsy wishlist. I know I am going to spend more money than I should on this baby, but this is my chance to pick my own stuff. I want a nice crib, a cool stroller, a non faded pack and play. (that will break 11 months later) It is just fun for me.

Not saying that Aedan won't get a ton of cool stuff when we finally get our first time homebuyer's credit, we got audited and it is taking forever. He is getting a cool toybox, new clothes, the stroller is for him too, he will get a backyard play thing. (not sure if it will be swing set or activity center) We are all getting new things. Mommy is getting a new stove since we currently do not own one. Daddy is getting a lawnmower since we currently do not have one. See the trend?

I am buying my custom diaper bag, my awesome crib, my sweet stroller and car seat. I am excited!

Follow Up Friday June 11, 2010

2010-06-11T08:17:00.000-05:00

So I am writing my own personal post for Follow-Up Friday on my other blog In the Mommy Business . This is what I did this week other than my reviews.
HERE GOES:

Sunday I found out I am pregnant. I am super excited. Eliza is pregnant also. Who else in the world gets lucky enough to be pregnant with their best friend? I am due about 2/14 and she is due about 2/3 we will know more once we have ultrasounds done.

Monday and Tuesday were slow days for me and my family. We watched movies and stayed in, we let the news of the pregnancy sink in. We needed a few days since we were surprised to get pregnant the first month of trying. Now we have started making wish lists for baby things and are having fun tossing names back and forth.

Wednesday was my first OB appointment. I am going to a new Doctor with this pregnancy since we moved since Aedan was born. So far I like the office, the Nurse Practitioner was nice and she told me I will get to see my Doctor every appointment from here on out. That is going to be nice since I only saw my Doctor after 24 weeks at the old place.My first ultrasound is scheduled for July 8 at 10 am. That is really exciting, and the best part? The Doctor's Office, Labs, and Hospital are all about 2 blocks from my house.

Yesterday (Thursday) I went shopping and spent part of the evening with my Sister in Law and her family. They were being visited by some mutual friends and it was a full house, 6 adults and 8 kids. Jeff and I meant to swing back by after we ate but I am so exhausted anymore I went home and fell asleep.

Today is a lazy day. I plan on making tacos for dinner and taking it easy! Maybe I will read some Follow Up Friday posts. *hint hint*

And baby makes 4?

2010-06-09T21:13:00.000-05:00

First thing is first, We are expecting a new addition in February 2011, I am pregnant. The little one's estimated due date is Feb 14 but we will get a better idea after we get our first ultrasound on July 8. We had an OB/GYN appointment today, it was supposed to be next Wed but we were bumped up a week due to some spotting. IT was just twice and the Nurse Practitioner is not worried, therefore I am trying to relax and enjoy the emotions. I am so excited. Jeff asked me today what we are having (gender) since I 'knew' we were having a boy with Aedan and Gabryel. Instinct. I am not having any pull one way or the other on gender, but I do feel that a girl is possible this time, and that was not an option with the boys.

Aedan is talking more. It is a trip hearing his voice all day, we often wonder what happened to our little baby. He is running through the house most of the day now, but his absolutely loves going outside to play. Watching his personality develop is amazing, he answers questions too, that is pretty funny.
Jeff: Aedan, do you want a little brother or sister?
Aedan: NO!
Jeff: Do you want a cookie?
Aedan: (nodding) Yum!

Our days are full of all sorts of interesting things now. I am hoping Aedan is having a great childhood, and I am also hoping this baby sticks. I love the roller coaster of pregnancy, it is such an exhilarating ride.

Wordless Wednesday; What the cat kneads.

2010-05-25T23:49:00.000-05:00

Jeff thought this was funny enough to record. Yes. That is me and my cat Chicken.(kneading on my squishy parts)

And today.

2010-05-20T16:01:00.000-05:00

My day started off late. Aedan slept until noon, therefore Jeff and I slept until noon. That is the first time in about 2 years. Jeff got up with Aedan and I took my usual 15 minutes to roll out of bed.

I didn't hear the mail get dropped in the box today, it must have come early. When Jeff took the garbage out he saw we had already gotten it. No check today, but I did get a magazine and the disconnect notice. Hm. Sucky.

I told Jeff we need to get rid of a few things to try to generate the funds to pay this bill. He is still trying to get it without getting rid of anything. I am still SO ANGRY about this bill. I don't think we should have to pay it.

I got my psychic reading for our conception date:
Your reading reveals that your BFP news comes the month of February 2011 from a cycle that begins in January. The baby shows as a boy and his EDD/birthdate is referenced the 30th of October 2011 and the 5th of November 2011.
Lets see how that turns out. That is a little later and the opposite gender of what I am hoping for, but of course that is only 2 months longer than it took to make Aedan. That would also give me the possibility of a Halloween baby.

I am off to deal with the City

I am wearing my angry pants.

2010-05-19T22:51:00.000-05:00

I am so mad about my power bill. I live in a small town that has their own municipal utility company. They are not required to leave utilities on for disabled persons and families with children, those laws only apply to larger companies. I have been charged $450, $550, and $650 for December January and February. March was our lowest bill at $250. This is insane. My husband is on disability and we can not afford to pay this on top of his medical expenses. Right now we owe just under $1000 for our utilities. What do we have to pay it? Nada. We have struggled to pay these bills since we moved here. We are not the only ones who have bills like this, over 300 people made complaints and they just say it is our homes using 6000 (and more) kwh, the average COMMERCIAL building in our area uses just over 1000 kwh, how are we using that much?

I am hoping our first time home buyer credit shows up. It is due between two weeks ago and July 17. The IRS told us to contact them if we haven't received it by then. I think the mailman thinks I am nuts. I burst out the door and check the mail as soon as it is in the box, and that is the days I don't pop around the house and find him.

Can $1000 fall into my lap before May 25? Doubt it. But I can dream. I am most likely getting my utilities shut off this month, depending on how long it takes for my home buyer credit to show up it might be off for a while. I will be staying with family until then. This is not fun, and I am outraged. The city made us think they were going to allow us to make partial payments until we can pay it off, not anymore. They allowed on month to be delayed and then BOTH balances have to be paid in full. I am so angry. I need to get a loan.

I can live with that.

2010-05-18T20:16:00.000-05:00

Today started off crappy. 6am I hear Aedan crying. I sent Jeff in to assess the damage, it turns out that Jeff didn't look at the clock so he didn't think to put Aedan back in bed. I got to sleep to until 9:15 but I had been woken up about 5 times before that point.

We looked out the window at about noon to see the neighbor's dog trotting up the road. We managed to get her back in the fence just for her to escape time after time after time. I called the neighbor and she came back and put the dog inside.

Then we went to Jeff's sister's house to let the kids play. The neighbor offered us her crib and Jeff said he id going to buy a new one, I liked hearing that. We didn't have a new crib with Aedan so he said I get to pick one out once we make baby #2. We were going to put Aedan back in a crib until he got a little bigger but we are keeping him in the toddler bed.

Jeff's sister talked to me about baby stuff, she has a little girl that will be growing out of her swing and such soon so she will hold onto it for us. That is nice of her although I am not sure how long it will take to actually get the BFP this time around. (BFP= big fat positive)

I spent my down time today on the TTC forums I used when we were making Aedan. It was nice to be back in a place where I could talk about it as much as I wanted and not be looked at like I was wearing a wild animal as a hat. Seriously, talking about making babies makes people squirrely. Guys shoot looks to their wives that scream NO. and girls get all catty and want to make a baby before everyone else Sure, they will be happy for you if you get pregnant but only if they get their BFP first. I have been down this road before, it is best to do your talking in a forum where after you get your BFP you leave and no one holds a grudge (well no one that matters)

Another great thing about the forum is graduating to the pregnancy area and sharing your story there. Everyone needs a pregnancy buddy. Ah. It is nice to dream of baby stuff. I am window shopping still and it makes me happy. I need to post this now so I can watch Lost.

A day in the life.

2010-05-17T18:32:00.000-05:00

So today has been a wee bit *RAWR* stressful. Aedan is not having a good day, therefore I am not having a good day. I have had super clingy toddler up my butt all day. I did manage to get 20 minutes of "me time" in the form of a shower.The only bad part about the shower was getting the crap scared out of me twice before I got to actually enjoy my shower. First, one cat (Chicken) ran through the cat door as I was opening it, I peed a little on that one. Then, I got into the bathroom and the other cat (Critter) was INSIDE the shower with the door closed. Best I can figure we left the shower door open, she must have walked in and Chicken bumped the door shut on her. After that I found another bad part of the shower...my Black Raspberry Vanilla soap from Springvale Soap is almost gone. Although I am getting some more soaps soon, custom scents.

Last night I was up late sewing Aedan a SpongeBob blanket, I had to move my sewing machine from the office into our bedroom since the office is right next to Aedan's room. That is not the best place to sew at night. I am looking forward to getting some new fabrics, I have some projects that I want to start on.

I am in the market for night time diapers and some new day time diapers also. The snaps on the used diapers we have are shot. I have to keep pants on Aedan to avoid finding a naked baby every time I turn around. I also have permission to buy a snazzy custom diaper bag since we are trying for another baby.I know where I am going to get it too... http://www.etsy.com/shop/BrookeVanGoryDesigns leave it to RockerByeBaby to talk about things until I buy them all up. SPEAKING of RockerByeBaby I am going to buy some stuff from her shop as well. http://www.etsy.com/shop/RockerByeBaby?section_id=6528652

I feel like I am writing to no one since this blog has like NO readers but still I like to vent. I am off to make my sewing plan for the night...and window shop some more.

Baby Fever

2010-05-17T01:26:00.000-05:00

So I have been taken over by baby fever. I am going to add it to the list of stuff to blog about. Who do I blame for this fever? A few people. Lets start with my friend Nichole...who is about to pop out twins any day now, then lets throw in RockerByeBaby who has been posting about a pregnant friend, and then lets sprinkle in all the little things like cute baby stuff I see, the fact that my ovaries tingle when I see an infant, and Aedan is becoming independent.

I am uncertain of what amount of info I am going to share when it comes to the naughty bits. Hey, I know I overshare a LOT. But no one reads this crap anyway...so off we go on the talking about baby dancing.

This whole trying to conceive thing is so different than last time. I am not fresh off a loss this time, and I am not having the cycle issues of the way back when. Lets hope things go smoothly this time. Remember, It only took me 6 months to get the surprise that was Gabryel, our angel baby. Then 8 months to get Aedan. So now...I am guessing within 12 months.

Something to remember about my boys:

Gabryel was conceived in late June of 2007 was due March 30, 2008 and left us on October 20, 2007. He was 3 ounces and 5 inches long.

Aedan was conceved on my 22 birthday June 20, 2008 was due March 13, 2009 and was born March 5, 2009 via emergency c section after failed induction and 12 hours of labor, the bugger was too big to fit out the exit. He was 10 pounds 22 inches long.

So? Wouldn't it be strange if we had another June conception and March due date?

I am already baby crazy, I am window (amazon) shopping and I am excited because I have NO baby stuff in my house. That means I get to buy new stuff, we didn't have ANYTHING new for Aedan. We got a butt load of used stuff and I got stuck on bed rest and didn't get to shop. I know better this time. I want a baby shower...I didn't get one of those before. C'mon baby....I am stoked! Lets do this.

Plan B Review

2010-05-17T00:02:00.000-05:00

I recently read Plan B | What to do When God Doesn’t Show Up the Way You Thought He Would? By Pete Wilson and I have to admit I was pleasantly surprised with the whole book.

This book was very well written, it was easy to read and captivated me to the end. I have never been one to read a book of this genre but I am glad I made the exception. There was one thing, however, that made this book a little hard for me personally to read, and that was the emotion in the words. I had a hard time reading certain stories being told in the book because I had experienced them firsthand. I nearly broke down when reading two stories of the loss of a child since my husband and I lost our first son.

This book was deep. I had to stop and think about what I was reading, there were no answers on the pages, but instead there were thoughts and dilemmas that tore my mind away and buried it in thought. This book took longer than I assumed it would to read, but that is because of the stimulating nature of the words.

I would recommend this book not only to people in tough with their faith, but also those who need to find God. I give this book 5 stars and I have already passed it on to a friend that I know will appreciate it as much as I did.

Aedan and Sleeping

2010-05-14T23:00:00.000-05:00

Over the 14 months of Aedan's life we have lived in 4 different houses, he has slept in 6 different rooms, and we are finally getting him settled in his own room.

We moved into our home in December after a long jumbled mess of moves during Jeff's cancer treatment. We lost our apartment, moved in with my brother, then Jeff's mother and now here. Aedan has slept in the family bed since he was born (minus a six week period when Jeff was post-op and on pain killers) and he started sleeping in his toddler bed at 12 months. His toddler bed was next to our bed and our bed is just on the floor so we were "on the same level" so he was pretty much in the family bed still.

Tonight we moved his toddler bed into his room, and as we speak he is sleeping in his own room, in his own bed. I thought this day would never come. The last few weeks Aedan took it upon himself to stop napping. completely. I did not care for this. Then he decided sleeping wasn't fun either....so he wasn't going to do it. We learned this at 2am when he was still talking to himself...bright eyed and bushy tailed. It was like he was a robot. Me and Jeff? Not so chipper.

Tonight was the night for change. 9pm was bath time, 9:30 I started reading him a story, sometime around 10 I left the room and let the drama start. I heard crying...wait! playing. crying. no? playing. knocking....and crying at the door. Then the crying faded, he had climbed in bed and was asleep at 10:20pm. He woke up in the first paragraph of text (lets say 10:50) and I reassured him with a little pat on the back and he curled up and went back to sleep.

I am optimistic but I can still see this going downhill fast. I have one BIG issue with this arrangement: his room is on the other side of the house. I am definitely not a fan of that, I am crazy over protective, I still check to see if he is breathing at least once a night. (and that was when he slept NEXT to me) So we will see how this night goes. I would love to have him sleep in his own bed, in his own room...but we'll see.

Never Let You Go

2010-05-12T19:49:00.000-05:00

After reading the book Never Let You Go by Erin Healy I have been asked to write a review. Unfortunately it was not an easy book to read. The beginning was drab and hard to get into. The whole story seemed dry and similar to many other books I have read. I had trouble staying focused on reading this book but I think it was just the style of writing and lack of expeirence of the author.

The characters were very simple and could have used some more dynamics.The story did however improve as the book went on, suspense was a key in the plot but the poor start really killed the momentum. There was an overwhelming dryness to the story that made reading this book particularly hard. I would have liked to enjoy this book more but unfortunately I could not truely get into the story.

Overall I do not believe that I would recommend this particular book to anyone but the writer obviously tried.
particularly hard.

Mother's Day

2010-05-09T00:13:00.001-05:00

Happy Mothers Day to all the mamas. I am spending the day with my hubby and Aedan, and we always include our angel Gabryel in our memories. My boys are my blessings, I am getting ready to head to bed with my Aedan boy. Goodnight!

Wordless Wednesday : Yo Aedan Aedan!

2010-05-05T23:07:00.003-05:00

Garden Update!

2010-05-01T15:55:00.001-05:00

These are my sprouts. Aren't they cute? Jeff put a low fence around the garden to detur the dogs from trapleing the plants...lets see how that works. It has been raining a lot lately and I haven't been able to get any pictures and they plants are a little over watered. Lets hope they are going to be ok.

I have some sprouts inside too. We have yet to find a dry day to transplant them, since this is our first garden (since I was little) we are figuring things out as we go. Things like dogs eat watermelon sprouts. and they did.

Here are the pumpkins. They are a little limp at the moment, we hope they are going to perk back up.

Here is a potato plant. We have at least 2 of the 4 we planted coming in.

Say hello to garlic. (and giant hunk of Missouri pollen behind garlic)

The poor lonesome watermelon plant. The dog ate the others. I am going to attempt to plant a few more seeds and see if they grow.

What else do we have? Onions...looks like garlic, but without that giant hunk of pollen loitering behind it.

We have yet to see strawberry, broccoli or carrots outside. We have tomatoes, carrots, and some herbs inside.

I am not typical.

2010-04-26T11:41:00.000-05:00

I saw a week full of posts that made me think "I could never write that" and I realize that is not a bad thing. Here's my story:

I was born in Fort Worth Texas on June 20, 1986. I was premature weighing 4 lbs and 14 oz. I did not go home with my Mom or Dad, I instead went home with my Great Grandmother, Great Aunt, and Great Uncle, All the way to Missouri. I grew up living in the same house as my older brother but neither parent. My parents weren't married, but that was for the best.

my sister, my brother and me

I am one of three children from my mother. I have a brother 3 years older and a sister 1 year younger. I called my Great Aunt and Uncle MawMaw and PawPaw, but they were more like parents. I am not sure if my friends ever knew that I didn't live with my parents. I never really mentioned it. I was never sure how to say I lived with my mother's aunt and uncle. It just seemed strange to me.

I dropped out of high school after I failed to accumulate enough credits to graduate. I got my GED in 2006 and went to SouthEast Missouri State University. I left after a month because I had been ill, later I found out it was ulcerative colitis.

I spent a lot of time at the "band house" for my brother's band. I got to be good friends with all the members. Through that I met Jeff, the brother of the bass player. We started dating on December 16, 2006 the day after our first conversation. We moved in together one week later.

We found out I was pregnant in July of 2007. The due date was March 20, 2008. We had a baby boy on October 20, 2007 he has almost 20 weeks along. His name was Gabryel, he weighed almost 3 ounces and was 5 inches long. He was born sleeping.

Gabryel's Ultrasound

We decided to try for another baby, it took 8 long months of trying before we found out we were pregnant again. The due date was March 13, 2009. We got married on October 8, 2008 in my sister in law's parent's house. It was the same day we found out the gender of our little bubbs. Another boy was on his way.

Our "wedding" day.

Aedan Luther was born via emergency c-section on March 5, 2009 at 6:30pm after 12 hours of labor. He was 10 pounds and 22 inches long. He was amazing, he was so big they had to find size 1 diapers instead of newborn and they struggled to find a hat that would fit his head.

Meeting my baby boy

In March 2009 we found out Jeff had stage 3 colon cancer. He went in for surgery on April 23, 2009 and I was essentially a single parent. Jeff had his large intestine removed. He had to be rushed back to the hospital on April 29 after he had a rupture and went septic. I almost lost him that day. I raised Aedan by myself for the second month of his life.

After Jeff's second surgery. He was sedated for 24 hours.

Today Jeff is at the hospital getting pre-surgery testing done because Thursday he is getting his *hopefully* last surgery. They will remove his ostomy bag and reattach his small intestine to his rectum. We are never going to live the normal life but that's okay with us, as long as we are together.

I will be home with Aedan for the nearly two weeks Jeff is in the hospital, so there may not be any updates here. I will try to keep everyone updated, but Facebook is the best place to check.

Wordless Wednesday "before and after"

2010-04-21T18:45:00.000-05:00

What did I do this weekend? (Well my hubby helped)

There are NO good pictures of me from the last few months.

Pretty good for two people and some hair clippers.

Starting Seeds edited

2010-04-17T11:42:00.002-05:00

Today I started seeds.

5 Pumpkin
5 Watermelon
10 Homestead Tomato
5 Purple Dragon Carrots
5 Nantes II Carrots
5 Greek Basil
5 Bouquet Dill
10 Yellow Pear Tomato

Jeff bought me a Seed Starting Kit., it's like a mini greenhouse. I planned on planting in the garden last Monday but we haven't had rain (until last night) in over a week so digging was impossible. We are going to head out in a bit and see what kind of change we have after rain last night.

I do plan on planting seeds directly into the soil to compare to the ones in the seed starter. We have tons more stuff to plant. You might ask where the extra seeds came from, in the last post I didn't have half that many. Well I am reviewing some Organic seeds from Cubits Organics. They sent 7 packs and I am hoping to get everything planted. If you want to win 7 packs of seeds for yourself enter at In the Mommy Business HERE and I will pick a winner Wednesday.

Hopefully I will be here later posting about how well planting went, but lets not hold our breath.

**It is now nearly 2 hours later and we are all finished making the garden plot. Now I just have to get out an plant the seeds I am putting out there. Jeff is off with his step-dad fixing our car, so I have to wait until he gets back to go out. (unless I feel like chasing Aedan instead of planting) I am using my time to map out what gets planted where and hoping all this works out for us. I am excited to see how it goes.

***and another few hours later we are done planting what we are going to plant for now. The rest of what we have to plant is in the seed starter.

Now time for pictures of the best gardening team. ( I promise there will be a better entry and pictures of me later)

Spring/Summer Project

2010-04-11T19:29:00.000-05:00

I am starting a garden. This was decided today while at Lowes with my husband. We took his mother to buy some topsoil and I was drawn to the seeds. I picked some Tomatoes, Pumpkins, and Watermelons because 1) I love tomatoes 2) pumpkins will be nice for Halloween and Thanksgiving and 3) watermelon and Summer to hand in hand. We also got a cute little Grow Your Own Garden Kit for a "mid-summer edible garden" that includes Garlic, Onions, Potatoes, and Strawberries. Jeff's step-dad gave us some garden tools, we didn't have any since this is our first planting season in our own home.

I was raised by my Great-Aunt and Uncle and Great Grandmother, they had a garden every year, they grew tomatoes, zucchini, cucumbers, strawberries and okra. I miss going out to the garden and eating fresh picked strawberries, so we are going to have that for Aedan.

Tomorrow we are going to clean up the soon-to-be garden and do our planting, all of the seeds are April-June planting season in may area. I am very excited to start this project and I am going to do my best to keep track of things on this blog.

Our Easter

2010-04-05T12:18:00.000-05:00

We had a long day yesterday, I just want to share a few pictures of my Aedan.

Our day started with a small egg hunt in our house.

A trail of eggs led to Aedan's Easter Basket.

He got a nice little basket from us.

He got to munch on a chocolate bunny.

Then we went to Grandma's with the cousins.

He got another basket there.

Then we had an egg hunt outside Grandma's house.

After that we went home and had family and friends over.

It was a good day.

It's been a day of diapers and play!

2010-03-31T16:08:00.000-05:00

Today Aedan and I went out to play, Daddy came too.

We colored with sidewalk chalk...

and played in the yard.

He had a good time.

Then we got some mail, it was the 8 bum genius diapers we bought from Craigslist for $30.

They are in really good condition, the woman who sold them to me got them used from Cotton Babies

here in St. Louis and replaced the elastic. Then her kid potty trained before fitting in these larges.

They are all REALLY white inside. Nearly perfect. Only the closures look worn,

They fit Aedan pretty well, and he is a fluffy butt boy once more!

Wordless Wednesday "Groovin"

2010-03-31T09:23:00.004-05:00

Rick and Bubba's Big Honkin' Book of Grub (book review)

2010-03-27T00:39:00.002-05:00

This book is a not no average diet and recipe book. It has a humorous in depth description of what they have dubbed the The Rick and Bubba "hey you gotta live" (non) diet. The book is hard to put down and keeps you laughing all the way though.

The chapters are short, sweet, and funny. The only reason I had to stop reading was to share an excerpt aloud. It is the perfect book for someone that loves food and can appreciate the lighter side of eating. The stories are punctuated with a series of rules and lists like never to be broken rules of the pot-luck and The bun/hotdog treaty of 2010.

There is a section of recipes that are simply mouthwatering, you will be in the kitchen in no time whipping one up. The "down home" feel of the recipes will make you think of your Grandma's famous dish and all those Church pot-lucks.

At a mere 214 pages I think it could have been longer, just as I was really getting into it the book was done. I enjoyed the pictures, there were just enough to show you what kind of guys Rick and Bubba are. They share some fun stories but still make their point: "Eating is an art...an event...an experience."

**this book was provided for me to review, the opinions expressed are 100% my own.

Boogie Wipes Giveaway Winner!

2010-03-26T23:53:00.003-05:00

The winner to the Boogie Wipes giveaway is #4 Samantha (MamaNotes)

Samantha @ Mama Notes said...: I follow them on twitter; March 12, 2010 8:49 PM

I will be emailing you shortly.

Thanks to everyone that entered and remember to enter the Always a Girls Girl giveaway over at In The Mommy Business. We have something special planned for after Easter so keep your eyes peeled!

Cute is Cute.

2010-03-21T13:47:00.004-05:00

Last night was a game night of sorts with my friend Eliza and her husband. Our kids may have had more fun that us. Check out the cuteness.

They played with Aedan's toys.

They "read" a book together.

They got to play some cards like the big people.

Yup. Cute is cute.

Winner of the Pilot G2 pens.

2010-03-17T12:38:00.000-05:00

The Winner is comment #4 Clueless Mama!

Clueless_Mama said...: I follow you on twitter as well! clueless_mama; February 25, 2010 2:11 AM; Thanks to everyone who entered!

Giveaway Alert!

2010-03-17T09:29:00.000-05:00

Join us over at http://inthe-mommybusiness.blogspot.com/ and enter to win some Thirsties Booty Luster! Become a follower of In The Mommy Business and be ready for the great giveaways coming up! Sippy cups, art, custom cards...all coming soon!

The cutest thing.

2010-03-14T20:50:00.000-05:00

I have been in a funky mood today and my boy and my husband can always cheer me up.

Whats in a Word (book review)

2010-03-14T17:28:00.000-05:00

What's In A Word Fascinating Stories Of More Than 350 Everyday Words And Phrases is an intriguing book written about the origin of words and phrases that have become common in the English language.

I found the book a bit difficult to read for review considering it is a reference books of sorts. The chapters were short and the origins simple to understand, but didn't hold my attention. I sat the book down repeatedly and procrastinated coming back to it. It lacked cohesiveness, but that may have been done on purpose.

Some of the words or phrases are not as well known, therefore were less favorable to read. Maybe it is my age, but I would have likes to see some more common phrases explained. The book contained a few small images and they were crude and unnecessary.

In conclusion, I would only recommend this book if you have a specific interest in language and origin, otherwise it seems dull and drawn out.

* I was supplied with a copy of this book in exchange for a review, there was not further compensation besides the book, the views and opinions are my own

My day.

2010-03-14T17:07:00.000-05:00

I have been busy all day, but the minutes are still creeping by slower than molasses.

When we woke up out toilet was backed up and icky sewer water was creeping up into our shower and tub. GROSS. We got that cleaned up and went to Wal-Mart to get dog food and cat litter, but we ended up getting more stuff.

I got back and started working on the new blog. There is still stuff left to do but I am taking a break. I have a book to review and I am almost finished so I will be up writing tonight.

We just ate dinner. We had grilled chicken and broccoli, cauliflower, and carrots in cheese sauce. Now I am ready to feed my boy when he waked from his nap.

In The Mommy Business

2010-03-13T23:13:00.001-06:00

I feel like it is time to separate my personal and professional blogs. I have an old friend that is a new partner and a new site for us to continue our reviews and giveaways. We are excited and really hope you join us over at In The Mommy Business!

I will continue to follow you because I will still be posting my personal life here. We are also on twitter as @mommy_business and would love to follow you there, as well as have you follow us!

Nicole aka Nic

The Mommy Tackle Box. #1 Boogie Wipes (closed)

2010-03-12T13:54:00.003-06:00

There are things I always keep in my diaper bag and in my car, they just come in handy. I like to pull out items and share them with other moms, especially things they haven't tried before. I am going to share with you now. One of my top items in my "Mommy Tackle Box" is Boogie Wipes.

Boogie Wipes were invented by the "Boogie Moms" Mindee and Julie out of necesity when their children were suffering from stuffy, redm chapped noses. They are Super Moms in my book! Read their story by clicking HERE.

Boogie Wipes are GREAT. I stumbled upon them when Aedan was about 4 months old. He got a bad runny nose and we went to Wal-Mart in search of anything that might help. Unfortuantely at 4 months there isn't much out there for runny and stuffy noses. We bought saline nasal spray and a package of Boogie Wipes. Aedan HATED the nasal spray, but the saline was supposed to help him stay clear, so I tried the Boogie Wipes.

As I took the wipe out of the package I noticed two things. 1. The package has a neat closure that is secure and easy to use and 2. the wipes are REALLY soft and smooth. They are moistened with saline but are not messy and have a fresh scent. Since I tried Boogie Wipes I have found that they come in three scents Fresh, Magic Menthol, and Great Grape. The truly amazing part is (drum roll please!) Aedan let me wipe his nose!!!! **Victory Dance** He sat (relatively) still and didn't cry. The saline kept his little nose from getting chapped and cracked. I then asked my self "Why hasn't anyone told me about these before?"

I talked to a few Moms after the Boogie Wipes discovery and they seemed skeptical. They knew OF Boogie Wipes but said they didn't buy them because they are "the same thing as a baby wipe." But I say NO it's not the same. Baby wipes have a mild soap on them, and soap can be drying on skin. Boogie Wipes have saline helps dissolve the boogies, they are alcohol free, hypoallergenic, moisturizing with aloe, vitamin E, and chamomile. The best part? They are safe for ALL AGES. That is an important thing when you have a little one who is suffering from the sniffles. Now you see why Boogie Wipes are part of my Mommy Tackle Box.

I love Boogie Wipes and I think you will too! Want to try them? You should! I will pick ONE lucky reader to receive two 30 count packages of Boogie Wipes.

You are allowed one entry for doing each of the following things.

Leave a comment telling me why you want to try Boogie Wipes.
Follow my blog
Follow @BoogieMom on Twitter
Become a fan of Boogie Wipes on Facebook
and Follow me on Twitter @moderndayverona

Remember you get 5 entries for this giveaway, ONLY 5. They do NOT renew each day. The giveaway ends March 26, 2010. Good Luck!

*I did receive products to review, however I was not compensated in any other manner. The opinions in this review are my own honest thoughts on the products.

Mail Today.

2010-03-09T14:14:00.000-06:00

So what did I get in the mail today?

I got a letter from Pepsico about my email to Quaker Oats. I wrote last week about my son loving their oatmeal and just a lit of praise, the emailed me back wishing Aedan a happy birthday and today we got this letter and some temporary tattoos. What a nice gesture. I will put a tattoo on Aedan after the spongebob on his belly comes off.

I also got a book from BookSneeze.com. I have already started reading it. A review will be up after I finish. This is a good one too, I know s few people will like it.

Then lastly, we got the usual fliers for DirecTv and the local hardware store. Did you get anything good today?

The ultimate birthday weekend.

2010-03-08T22:29:00.000-06:00

My boy is officially 1 year old! He was born 10 pounds and 22 inches he is now 30 pounds 4 ounces and 33 inches.

Friday. We took Aedan to the Saint Louis Zoo with some of his cousins and a friend.

After that we had a party for him at Build a Bear and it was great, just ask all the kids who are still toting their new animals around with them. We had all of Aedan's cousins and a few friends of his. A total of 11 wound up kids. It was hectic but fantastic. Want pictures? Take a look!

Saturday? Well we had to wind down from being out all day. We ended up playing games with my sister-in-law and our friends.

Sunday was Aedan's party at our house. We had 7 kids and Aedan there and it was fun. Aedan had a great cake and cupcakes made by my AWESOME friend Eliza. It was warm enough outside for the kids to play in our back yard.

All in all it was wonderful. Aedan got a few really cute presents including a potty and some clothes. We got him 100 balls to put in his baby swimming pool. (ball pit?) The craziest thing is....

Jeff's mom and dad got him a bike. He likes it, we "cruised" around the driveway today. He can reach the pedals but he has no idea what to do. It was a memorable weekend...so wonderful.

For all the pictures check out http://jeffandnicoleflowers.shutterfly.com/ and click the Whats New tab.

I'm not a "mommy blogger" I am a blogger that happens to be a mom.

2010-03-04T10:47:00.000-06:00

I do talk a lot about Aedan. But he is awesome, you would talk about him if you knew him. My point is that I have more to talk about than my little man. I am starting to dislike most Mommy Blogs because of people being so dead set on getting a point across about their views that it becomes redundant and I just stop reading a post to go play online poker. Tell me how you really feel about something other than playgroup.

I want to hear real things that really go through your mind, things that you would like to say even though it isn't the norm. This is just a warning that I am going to post what I think and what I feel regardless of what all the other mommies are posting. I am still going to post about my son(s) but I am going to write more on other subjects.

Coming up: Reviews on products and books. Stories I want to share. Aedan's first birthday extravaganza and MORE!

Feeling snarky.

2010-03-03T12:21:00.000-06:00

I am feeling a bit catty today, well MORE CATTY than usual. Maybe it's the lack of social interaction or just my way of coping with Jeff's upcoming surgery. OR better yet, my way of dealing with the lack of people's sympathy for Jeff who is about to go into another surgery. He had CANCER, I would feel bad for you if you had cancer. Jeez, be empathetic here. He almost died last time he had a surgery. That was fun, right? Almost dieing with a newborn at home?

I just don't know what I am going to do while he is in the hospital for a week or more....other than watch Aedan, but a toddler is not much for social interaction unless you want oatmeal in your hair.

*sigh* I am just going to vacuum. That sucks too.

Countdown to Build a Bear!

2010-03-02T18:13:00.000-06:00

I am so excited about this party, but that might just be because I like parties and build a bear. I had to add another kid to the party so that makes a total of 11 with my son.

I am thinking about getting someone I know to come and take pictures for me so I can enjoy Aedan's big day.

Here's a few pictures just for filler. I am to distracted by my husbands cooking. (thats a good thing)

This is the shirt I made for his birthday.

He made himself breakfast, if you count dumping fruit loops on the floor.

Playing with Daddy's xbox headset.

Pajama time.

"Lies the government told you "

2010-03-02T14:43:00.002-06:00

After reading Lies The Government Told You by Judge Andrew P. Napolitano I have to say I am confused. Not by the subject or the idea of the book, more by the words chosen to portray the ideas. I am open minded when it comes to politics and gonvernement so I can agree with some of the points made, but it seems that thw writing made the vision more comfusing than it had to be. An average person reading this might get tired of having to re-read sentences just to make sure they understand the statements. I wouldn't recommmend stopping since it was a well thought out piece. I would say turning off the television or other distractions would be a good idea.

I enjoyed reading Judge Napolitano's views on the government. They feel they are above the law and can twist the constitution to fit the current situation. Talk of slavery and torture was hard to read due to the honesty of the author. Seeing the decisions made by our past presidents can change your views on them and wonder how it hadn't been brought to your attention before. This book will make you think about what your impressions were of these famous Americans and founding fathers, if you have the guts to read it.

I can say that this book is not for everyone, it can enrage someone who is very set in their ways when it comes to their views. I know some things were not exactly what I would have liked to hear but I did not read it to hear about what I know, it was to hear something new, something no one I know would have the courage to say. It starts with a joke and ends with a revelation.

I did receive products to review, however I was not compensated in any other manner. The opinions in this review are my own honest thoughts on the products.

Almost Aedan's birthday, and Remembering Gabryel.

2010-02-27T22:41:00.000-06:00

Most people outside my family and friends don't know too much about Gabryel. He was our first son. I was 21 when I got pregnant with him, not yet married. Jeff and I were happy. We lost him at around 18 weeks. It was hard to know exactly when since it was a missed miscarriage. I just know it was between the 16 week check-up and the end of the 18th week.

I find myself thinking about Gabryel a lot lately. I miss him to say the least. I wonder what it would have been like to have both of my boys together. It has been over two years since we lost Gabryel and it seems to be just as hard as ever. I always thought things would get easier but now I see that I will always cry when I think of him, I will always be reminded of him, and I will always think of him when Aedan hits a milestone. Now we are coming up on Aedan's first birthday and what would have been the time of Gabryel's second birthday.

My boys' due dates were only a week apart. Gabryel's was March 20 and Aedan's was March 13. I found out I was pregnant with Gabryel on July 16, 2007 and Aedan on July 3, 2008. I had ultrasounds on very close dates and I hit the dreaded 18 weeks at about the same time. We found out we lost Gabryel on October 19, 2007 via ultrasound... he was 18 weeks. I found out Aedan's gender early since they originally had the appointment scheduled for October 20, my doctor understood that it would have been hard for me to get an ultrasound that day.

I delivered Gabryel at 12:36am on October 20, and that will forever be his "birth date" and I will never forget that date. I remember holding him for what seemed like forever and at the same time would never be long enough. Just knowing that when we let them take him away we would never hold him again. It was incredibly hard for Jeff and me to decide when to let him go... how can you say I have spent enough time holding him? I could have stayed there for an eternity.

The nurses came in and took some pictures for us... they measured him...and made footprints, and I counted his little toes over and over. I still bring out his pictures every now and then, just to see how tiny he was, to see his face, to let it all out.

We had to decide what to do for funeral arrangements. I couldn't bring myself to have a funeral service for him since my family could not come, it would be to hard to remember it that way. We called our distant family's funeral home and they offered to do a cremation for free, we chose to accept. They let us know that since he was so small there might not be any remains left for an urn, and that was hard to take. But with the chances of us moving I could not let him be buried in a cemetery we couldn't visit.

Six weeks after we had him cremated I got a call from the funeral home, his urn was finally in and ready for us to pick up. I never thought that I would ever have to go pick up my son's ashes...not at 21 years old. It was a mixture of disbelief, devastation, and happiness. I had an urn...a memento of my son. I have the urn out on display...for all to see. I put his pictures (all but one) away with his hospital blanket and our hospital bracelets and other items.

I wonder if he and Aedan would be alike in personality, or if they would look similar. I wonder if we would have stayed here in Missouri or left to go back to California. Things were different back then, but now I have to be happy that we had Aedan, we did not forget Gabryel by any means, and he can never be replaced. I love both of my sons.

Remembering the preggo days, a journey of tacky pj pants.

2010-02-26T10:17:00.002-06:00

One year ago today I found out I would be induced in a weeks time.

9 Weeks

I was tiny! I was so thrilled to be preggo again. I wanted to have photographic evidence showing the flat belly.

32 weeks

Thats quite a jump, I have photos of the other weeks but I didn't feel like deciphering dates to figure out weeks. This is after my bellybutton went flat. I had already had my first bout with preterm labor at this point. I ended up on bed rest sometime in my second trimester.

33 weeks

Oh, Look! Stretch marks. I was about 55 pounds heavier at this point.

34 weeks

Ha HA HAAA! I was wearing Jeff's boxers! And that belly is ridiculously huge!

35 weeks

My bump changed shape there. Less pointy more "tall" I am not sure how to justify the bad pj shorts.

36 weeks

BAM! Bigger belly. This is another shot of me in Jeff's boxers.

(Can you see the fan there? It was February and I had a fan on. In Missouri. Hormones, Lol)

37 weeks

I sprained my shoulder getting out of bed sometime in the third trimester, and this was the week my OB said he would induce me because I could no longer take it. I was HUGE and I got stuck in the bath. I had a breakdown. Also, Jeff found out about the cancer around this time.

38 weeks

A day or so before I went into the hospital to be induced.

Still 38 weeks.
At the hospital right before they broke my water. I was dilated to 3 when I got there thanks to all that pre-term labor.

AND

After 12 hours and an emergency C- Section

Aedan Luther was born at 6:31 pm on March 5, 2009. 10 lbs and 22 inches.

I finally woke from anesthesia and met my little man at a little after 7:30pm.

I need a pen.

2010-02-24T19:12:00.003-06:00

How many times do you frantically search for a pen? I used to all the time, but I learned my lesson. I bought a pack of pens and put one in every nook and cranny of my surroundings. There is one by the notepad, in the diaper bag, in my wallet, in the bathroom and even in my husband's coat. I despise not being able to write something down when I need to, I am forgetful enough WITH a note in front of my face.

When it came to picking out the pens I stood in the aisle and looked at the wall of writing utensils in front of me and I chose the Pilot G2. After trying them out I started to see a trend, no more scribbles in the corner of the paper, I didn't have to "prime" the pen to get it to write. Also, it has a comfy rubber grip. On top of all that it is a click top pen, so that means the tip retracts and doesn't leave a scribble on anything it touches in your purse or diaper bag.

The G2 is available in so many different options. It can be a regular, mini, limited or pro. It can be extra fine, fine or bold point. It comes in a variety of colors, in single or multi-packs. I go for the bold point black G2, I love it and I think you will too!

The Pilot G2 is my favorite pen AND I want you to try it! Just do a few simple things and I will reward a shiny new pen to someone, maybe more than one person depending on the number of comments. (These people will be randomly chosen.) One pen may not seem like much, but THIS pen is special, it is a GOOD PEN... not a bank pen with a crusty useless eraser, not a cheap that has been in your car for three years, a brand spankin' new pen with a snazzy rubber grip and a clicky top and who wouldn't want that?

Want a chance at winning a pen (it's a pretty good one since not many people know about it) just do this:

FIRST ENTRY Leave a note telling me where you would stash a pen.

SECOND ENTRY Tell me...your favorite color for a pen.

THIRD ENTRY Follow my blog!
FOURTH ENTRY Follow me on twitter! @moderndayverona

*I did receive products to review, however I was not compensated in any other manner. The opinions in this review are my own honest thoughts on the products.

Ends March 17

I Like...

2010-02-23T00:58:00.000-06:00

I have quite a few friends that have kids younger than Aedan, and when we have game night it often turns into a product review. It starts out with someone asking if anyone has tried ______. Usually if someone has it becomes a Q&A session. How does it work? Did you like it? How did (child) take to it?

Here's what I recommend from when we started giving Aedan table food.

I love this! I am a little (lot) over protective and I was wary of giving Aedan fruits and "slippery" foods. I worried about him choking. My husband bought me a Fresh Food Feeder and Aedan was happily in a world of melon and banana. Every morning Jeff got to give Aedan a yummy snack without me hovering over him the whole time. I still watched him from a comfortable distance but I loved seeing him munch and mush his snacks thinking he was a big boy.

Now my boy is almost a year and too big for the Fresh Food Feeder, but I still have the memory of the smiling baby with the strawberry juice on his face.

My Aedan.

2010-02-21T15:51:00.001-06:00

I am so excited for Aedan's birthday, it is sad that he isn't a baby anymore, but he is MY baby. Less than two weeks, that is all that is left. I am taking advantage of his cuddly mood and letting him sleep with me. He has an ear infection so he needs a little comfort.

I printed out some blank letters to make a banner and he started to color them. He did 2 panels of it and just a few scribbles and marks on each one, but I am proud that the crayons only went in his mouth once and the only one that got broken was Jeff's fault.

He has started standing on his own and I know that means walking is right around the corner. I am excited and scared. He can already reach the buttons on the washer and dryer and has started a few loads that were already clean/dry. He is getting so so smart. He knows which button turns the tv off when Daddy is playing x-box.

I just wonder what is coming. This is a huge journey and it seems that the first year went by too fast.

Trying to get my supplies to listen to my head.

2010-02-18T22:28:00.004-06:00

I have been thinking about earrings all day while taking care of Aedan. Unfortunately once I get him to bed and get around to working on them my ideas don't translate. I feel like maybe I don't have want I need to properly recreate my thoughts.

Oh, well. Here is my project from tonight.

My night.

2010-02-17T22:29:00.002-06:00

I sat here making earrings tonight, it was fun. Now I wonder what to do with them? I don't wear jewelry, even my wedding rings.

Making time for an old hobby.

2010-02-17T16:40:00.002-06:00

I used to do beading all the time. Now that I have Aedan I have a really hard time doing things I want to. So now I am posting pictures of my pretty jewelry.

I am going to sit down after Aedan goes to bed and do some beading. I have ideas of things I would like to try. I just need ideas of what to do with all the stuff that is already made from way back when and the things I am going to make now.

Lysol. My partner in clean.

2010-02-16T23:22:00.003-06:00

So I recently noticed just how much Lysol my husband uses, then I noticed how much I use. We clean like mad! Ever since my husbands white cells dropped during chemotherapy we started using more antibacterial products in the house, and the most common one is Lysol wipes.

Jeff will go through the house wiping doorknobs, light switches, and even his X box controllers before and after we have company. He will put two containers in the cart when we go to get more, just so he has them in the house.

With Aedan being almost a year that is a good thing. You never realize what a kid will get into until after they do. Have you ever found your kid playing in the cat's dish? Yuck.

They are convenient and affordable and my husband loves them. (Why can't diamonds be the same?)

I feel like I need to say out loud that I am a Lysol-aholic and I am not ashamed.

Almost one.

2010-02-16T19:42:00.010-06:00

There is just weeks left until my little man turns one. I just walked in to find my husband laughing because Aedan peed on the floor before he could get him into the bath. That was the first time he peed outside a diaper since he was about 3 months old. Then I get to thinking, what is to come?

Here are some pictures I took the other day.

Aedan watching Ellen with me and Jeff.

Jeff built a snowman with Aedan, and our nephews Davie and Sam.

My cousin's daughter, Jazmane.

Alonzo, my cousin's son, and my Godson.

Aedan and My cousin's daughter Izabela.

Playroom

2010-02-15T11:33:00.004-06:00

It's time for a little Munchkin.

2010-02-14T23:29:00.004-06:00

Let's talk about Munchkin. I have to admit I am addicted. This game is incredible.

One game night not so long ago my sister-in-law finally talked me and my husband into driving the half hour to their apartment. I had never been into any game that took more instruction that what you could pick up from a commercial. There sat the gamers, they had all played more games than I knew existed and it was a little unnerving. They started to persuade me into playing a game...."it will be easy, even you can do it, just try it."

I sat down and tried to listen to the rules. My brother-in-law set up the scenario: We are in a deep dark dungeon, we are looking for trouble and looking for treasure. We start the game and I LOVE IT. I am keeping up with the hardcore gamers and laughing so hard I can barely see my cards through the tears. I won my first game, I was hooked. We have been back every weekend for months! My recommendation for everyone is to try some Munchkin, you will like it.

How Does It Work?

Here's the rundown. The rules start out by saying "Munchkin is a tasteless parody game which brings you to the essence of the dungeon-crawling experience...without all that messy roleplaying!" I really couldn't put it better myself.

With the basic Munchkin pack you get 168 hilarious cards and a six sided die. There are two decks: the door deck and the treasure deck. You start out with two of each card. Simple. The door cards consist of monsters, classes, races, curses and ect. The treasure deck consists of GUAL (go up a level) cards, weapons, and weapon enhancers and monster enhancers.

Each turn you open a door (by drawing a door card) and see if you encounter a monster or get a curse. If you draw something other than a monster or curse you can look for trouble and draw another door. If you get a monster kill it and take it's treasure, if you can't kill it bad stuff will happen. Don't believe me? It says so on the card.

Level 1 Crabs. Cannot be outrun. Bad Stuff: Discard the armor and all items worn below the waist.

Not that bad? What if your best item happens to be the Pantyhose Of Giant Strength? With +3 bonus that might just make or break your next battle.

It might sound confusing but once you see a game in action you realize the only hard part is taking the ridicule from your friends when you get you have a sex change and have a chicken on your head.

You really want to play? Try it out, then go out and get an expansion or seven. I recommend De-Ranged, how else will you get to be a Gnome Ranger?

Check out Munchkin online at http://www.worldofmunchkin.com/game/

Parties. (and update)

2010-02-08T10:27:00.003-06:00

Jeff's birthday party was yesterday and it was AWESOME. we had a ton of people show up, and while the guys played xbox the girls watched the kids and had massive amounts of girl talk. After a while the guys watched the kids WHILE playing xbox so the girls could go play a few games. We played Last Night On Earth and Munchkin . It was fun until Aedan wanted to go home and the guys were too into their game to want to leave so it got tense. I ended up talking Jeff into leaving about 4am. We took Ryan and Mike home and then didn't get back to our house until 5am. I was tired, but Aedan decided he only wanted to sleep until 8am. Since Jeff was the one who wanted to stay out late he was the one to get up early and I slept until noon. (I had the craziest dream about the Jonas brothers, which is funny because I don't know much about them, just what I see when the tv is on disney channel.)

Jeff's mom and step dad drove out to get his sister so we could have a combined birthday dinner for him and her. It was nice to see them since we no longer live with them. Once we got back from dinner I started thinking about Aedan's birthday party since the big day is less than a month away. I know we have 10 kids for build a bear on his actual birthday 3/5 at the time he was born 6:30pm. It is nice that all 10 I invited are RSVP'd already. BUT the big struggle comes with his party at our house the following Sunday. Jeff's mom only has Sundays off work so I made a special party for the people we didn't invite to build a bear (for cost reasons) and just looking at the list of people that could come makes me want to cry. All of my friends have kids, so I actually hope most of them don't RSVP or show up. The most likely people to show up makes a list of about 12 adults and 21 kids. I have 4 nieces and 3 nephews, my best friends all have at least 2 kids. It is nuts. I ordered the decorations and party supplies tonight and they should be here Friday, so I can pick up favors right before the party when I get the cake.

I can't believe Aedan is almost a year old, it is just crazy how fast time flies. We have had a lot of fun in his first year so I can't imagine what the rest of his life is going to be like.

Jeff is going to call his surgeon back tomorrow and schedule the consult, so before long we will know the actual surgery date so we can say bye bye ostomy. My man is cancer free (we got the scan result back) and we are going to hear from the genetic counselor soon so we will know if his genetic mutation can be identified. Once we know that we can take down all the info so Aedan can be tested later. The Doctor recommends waiting until Aedan is about 16 before doing the testing on him since the science will be improved and more accurate by then. Also at this time there isn't much they could do about it if he did have the mutation, they would have to wait to see if he ever formed the cancer at all. It is hard to think about now.

I have had a lot on my mind but I am sick of typing so I will go play my spiffy new nintendo DSi now.

Moving Again.

2009-11-30T23:48:00.003-06:00

It was less than six months ago that I wrote about losing our home, we had to leave the only place we had, now we have less than a week until we move to our very own house.

It took a while but now we are in a better position than we were before, instead of renting we will own, instead of living in the middle of no where we will be in a populated area. Woo. I am so excited.

I will post more later, I am ready for bed.

Houses and such.

2009-11-17T18:29:00.004-06:00

My husband and I have been living with family for four and a half LONG months and we are finally looking to find our own place again. We went out looking and we have found a place we like and a place we LOVE. The place we like is in the town we used to live in, it is a 2 bedroom 1 bath with a basement. It is alright, not anything special, then there is the one we haven't seen yet. We love it just by the look of it and we know that might change once we do go see it. (I think we are going tomorrow after chemo) It is a 3 bedroom about an hour from the town we live in now, it has 2 bathrooms, laundry hook up and a big yard. We would have to get appliances but I have talked with a relative that will let us use their spare refrigerator and I will have to wait on my washer and dryer. Jeff is really excited too, we have a ton of random thoughts we yell out when we think of them, just little things that we realise will be really nice to have.

Such as:
The cats will be inside again!
I can have a music room in the 3 bedroom! (him)
Room for another baby! (me)
T lives a few blocks away from the 3 bedroom. (his sister is T)
No waiting for the bathroom!
Aedan can have his own room again!
None of our stuff has to be across town in storage anymore!

The list goes on and on. There are downsides too. We will be further from chemo, by about an hour more. We will be broke FOREVER, lol. We will be in a new town, I haven't lived there since I was in 7th grade. We will be further from both our families.

For now we are still looking but we are hoping this works out ok. I will post up when we know more.

Lost in the present.

2009-11-07T23:02:00.004-06:00

I feel a pressure on my chest, a weight, as if someone is standing on my ribs. My heart is heavy, I am so confused. I feel like my life will not change for the better no matter how hard I work.

There have been high points but they have been lost among the rubble of the chaos. I used to see opportunity perched on the horizon and now it seems to have vanished. I have little hope at times.

Jeff has three more chemo treatments left, if all goes as planned we should be done on December 16, or actually December 19 when they unhook his pump. Yet that is a very dim light at the end of a deceiving tunnel. From there we head back down the path of surgery, they plan on reconnecting the remaining piece of his colon. I am not sure if he really wants to do that or not, that will take us back to the previous problems associated with his ulcerated colitis. Another surgery brings up thoughts of a long recovery (again) and the memory of nearly losing him to infection. I can not do that again. I had a new born baby at home not sure if I would ever see my husband again.

I miss our old apartment, sitting together watching movies and snuggling. Now we share a room with Aedan in Jeff's mothers basement. I feel as if we have no freedom. I can not do things with Aedan how I would like to. We have to keep him quiet while others sleep so I have lost the sleep routine that I loved so much. I wish we could go back to our home, I cried so hard when I packed up the nursery I put together for my baby boy. I miss the privacy and the ability to be myself.

I am not sure how long it will be before we can even begin to think of moving back out. I will have to go back to work and I am so upset knowing I will have to find childcare for my son. I always thought I could stay at home with him and now it will be impossible.

Cancer has taken almost everything from us. I have my husband and my son, but I have lost nearly everything else. I know having them should be enough...but I still mourn the loss of our ________. It is so hard to put a word in the blank...how can one word describe such deep feelings?

I had always pictured things getting better but now I see them falling apart more and more. I don't seem to have a friend to sit and talk with. I have my husband but we have found that talking to each other just makes us feel like we are responsible for the other's pain. He did not get the cancer by choice so I KNOW he did not do this on purpose, but I still feel that I have caused us more grief than necessary. Impulse has been one of my weaknesses from as far back as I can remember and I have caused many people pain by doing things without thinking. Now I am causing my family pain by mentioning all to often how badly I want our old life back. Jeff beats himself up feeling that his disease is his fault, therefore this mess is somehow his fault. I know this is not true.

I need help. I am not sure from whom. I just need a release. I just...I don't know.

I have a reason to wake up everyday, I have my husband and my son. I have hope in them, I am trying to see the good. It just gets harder everyday.

Week Six

2009-11-03T17:05:00.002-06:00

I am feeling beat down and lost. I am not doing well with the Body After Baby Challenge put on by Mamanotes. I just have trouble getting out in this weather to do anything. I did walk around for HOURS while car shopping today, but thats about all I have done.

I really need some help with all of this. Just somebody help. :(

This next week is going to be great, if there's one thing I can do it is sleep. I am all over this.

I have to go now, I need to get the stuff together for the car we are buying, woo.

Adventures In Babysitting

2009-11-02T21:10:00.002-06:00

When did I become the on call babysitter? Yesterday my friend/neighbor stopped in to ask me if I could watch her two month old son today. I agreed because you never know when you might need them to return the favor. Then she told me why she needed a sitter, her sister usually watches Connor and her son has swine flu, so I will have Connor again tomorrow. Watching such a fussy and needy baby makes me realize how lucky I am to have a son like Aedan, he is content playing on his own long enough for me to fold laundry or do dishes.

I get Connor at 6 am and we usually sleep until 10. That makes me a little stressed out, I am not used to such a commotion so early. Aedan is a good sleeper and still managed to sleep until his usual wake up time.

I am hoping to have a better time with him tomorrow. Maybe he will be more accepting of us and not fuss so much.

I guess we will see. I need to go because I keep getting distracted by other things and we have to get to bed early. Not only are we watching Connor but we are going to try to fit in some car shopping tomorrow night after Connor gets picked up.

Moody and Halloween

2009-11-01T14:45:00.004-06:00

I am not sure what is going on with my emotions, I just can't seem to stay in a good mood.

Last night was about the best that it has been, Halloween trick or treating with my little man dressed up as Link from the Legend of Zelda.

We went trick or treating for my niece Natalie, she is sick and didn't get to go out. My brother still had her dress up and come ring our doorbell and we got her a whole bag of candy and we bought her a barbie. She was thrilled. And she made the cutest little snow white ever.

But today I am sitting upstairs with Aedan while Jeff and his mom go through the closet and clean some stuff out. I am just in a bitter mood. I wish I understood what was making me feel like this. Yesterday I flipped out on Jeff because hestuck some stickers on his laptop. I just lost it. "Why would you ruin it be putting adhesive on it?" followed by 10 minutes of being pissy for no reason.

Today it is just awful. I guess it could be pms, I think it is a little early for that, plus I have never had a problem with mood swings before. *sigh* I guess I will just have to wait and see if it passes.

My Day

2009-10-30T19:42:00.002-05:00

My day is going well. My husband took me out to do some Christmas shopping, we are dorks and love to do shopping months earlier than needed. Little did I know he was planning on getting me a netbook so I can do my blogging and such when we go to chemo. How sweet, right? He also got himself a laptop, but I do love my notebook so much more. It is a pretty purple and just too cute, it does all I need to do.

It is nice to be sitting upstairs AND using the computer. Woo. I am looking forward to getting lots and lots of use out of this little baby. I can now use the internet no matter where Aedan falls asleep. Before, he would fall asleep upstairs and thats where I would sit patiently until he woke up, sometimes not getting online until late and being too tired to remember to upload pictures and check the right accounts. I am just so touched that Jeff cared so much about my needs to get me my own computer even though one laptop would have sufficed for the two of us, I mean we have used the same desktop for three years.

I am off to check some stuff. UPSTAIRS. (yes , I am a dork.)

More from Body After Baby.

2009-10-27T21:33:00.002-05:00

Again I do not have much time to write, but it is time for another Body After Baby Challenge Post... see Mamanotes.com for more.

I have been struggling to keep up with the crunches. I just incorporated it into "wrestle" time with my son (who is nearly 8 mos.) I lay on my back and get into a crunch position and he sits on my feet and I lift him about 30 times... thats all I can do.

**heartbreaking note here. My little guy is fighting sleep and my husband is nearly in tears too***

I had my nephew for a while and I have to say having a 6 month old along with Aedan is nuts... especially at night! Dayd woke up screaming, Aedan doesn't do that. I could not leave him alone for a minute, I can usually put Aedan in his bouncer seat and he will play with a toy or book while I write out a grocery list or read some mail but Dayd just screams. SCREAM not CRY. I am exhausted. We were up until 2am with the loud little guy and he kept poor Aedan up too. Then he woke up at 9am and Aedan wanted to sleep more, so it has been a disaster all day.

Jeff and I have to go see a new doctor since he had a reaction with his chemo treatment last week...so allergist here we come. UGH we have to be there too early. I still need to pack the diaper bag for tomorrow so I need to go. More to come.

POOR AEDAN ONLY HAS 2 VOTES (#31) IN THE PHOTO CONTEST THANKS TO THE OTHER PERSON WHO VOTED BUT C'MON PEOPLE!

Week 4.

2009-10-20T15:33:00.002-05:00

It has been a long week for us here in the Flowers house, and I am just writing a quick note here about the challenge. What challenge? Body After Baby Challenge brought to us by Mama Notes.

I am feeling so worn out from week 3, I pulled a muscle in my neck and it is killing my motivation. The next challenge is going to be a trial for me, getting out and walking is easier than doing something in the house. When I am inside I am tempted to get online or sit and watch Jeff play Wii.

I like to get out in the afternoon when Jeff is playing his games and take a long walk, I take Aedan in the stroller when weather permits and it makes me feel good to include him.

This last week we really improved our eating habits, and it is becoming easier to make a healthy meal for the whole family not just for me. I made beef vegetable soup today, it is a big hit, Jeff's brother is eating his second helping now.

We have been car shopping so I am exhausted just from walking around car lots all day, I am having a hard time getting out for my regular walks. I guess walking is walking.

Jeff wants me to stop focusing on losing weight because he wants another baby. I have talked him into not trying but not preventing and just going with the flow. We will see how that turns out.

I have to go I have to see if Aedan is finished punishing his diaper, I hate poo on cloth. Ugh.

"Not Me"

2009-10-19T18:01:00.003-05:00

So I saw this and decided to join in, check out McMama's blog for details.

I did NOT call my son's pediatrician like a mad woman demanding an appointment today. I did NOT freak out over the side effects they told me he would have from his procedure. I did NOT wake my husband up and make him race the 45 minutes to his specialist just to hear everything is fine with Aedan.

I did NOT slack off on my Halloween decorations that I wanted so badly and half carve a pumpkin.

I did NOT leave the house without feeding the cats. I did NOT laugh as I saw one cat stuck in a tree as we were pulling out of the driveway.

Picture Update. Hopsital, Magic House, Pumpkin Carving, and Stuff At Home.

2009-10-18T21:46:00.009-05:00

Lets start with Aedan's surgery, we took a few pictures of him in his cute little gown. The procedure went well, but I have concerns about his stitches, he will most likely see Dr. Coplen tomorrow.

Before

After

On Saturday Jeff and I took Aedan to the Magic House, it was a free weekend to celebrate their 30th birthday. Aedan had a lot of fun, you would think that a baby couldn't have too much fun with things they do not understand but he had a blast! I took tons of pictures and a few videos just to show what kind of things we did. I am glad I have the ability to document all of the fun things we do as a family.

Aedan, Jeff, and Curious George

This is the outline of Jeff taking the picture with me holding Aedan, can you see it?

Me and Aedan
Jeff said this one looks like we are underwater. It's just us behind a fish tank.
Aedan loved the bubble organ.

Today we carved pumpkins...with power tools. Our HUGE pumpkins from the pumpkin patch needed to be decorated. I will take pictures of the finished pieces later...it is cold out there. I guess I should include all the pictures from the pumpkin patch too, well not all but a few. I take too many pictures.

**I just got called upstairs by Jeff and my father-in-law, Aedan was pushing his walker and walking BEHIND it. and I missed it**

Revisited: Remembering Gabryel

2009-10-16T13:09:00.002-05:00

Just re-posting this link to my earlier entry about my precious angel.

http://falling-into-place.blogspot.com/2009/06/remembering-gabryel.html

Body After Baby Week 3.

2009-10-13T15:05:00.002-05:00

Body After Baby
MamaNotes.com

It's already week 3? Well lets keep it up, I walked a ton this last week, I couldn't keep track of it too well though. I walked by myself a lot because the weather was too cold and nasty to have Jeff and Aedan out with me. We went to the mall and walked around and around all day together though, that was fun. It really helped having someone to walk with. My neighbor walked with me a few times, but she didn't like going out without her son either.

I am looking at this week's mini-challenge and I know I can do this, I have already changed my eating habits for the better. I love to cook new recipes and that has helped with learning to eat better.

I did not lose any more weight by what the scale says but I do feel better, and that is just as important. I am going to keep up the walking as long as weather permits and as usual I wish everyone else the best of luck!

Body after baby week 2!

2009-10-06T16:22:00.003-05:00

Body After Baby Challenge
At MamaNotes.com

It has been a long difficult week, my family has loaded the cupboards with snacks and I am trying to avoid sugar. I am at 144.6 lbs and I am feeling great, although i am not sure how I lost that much weight!

I made my husband peanut butter cookies without eating any...or the dough. I have avoided soda (except twice) and I am still walking three times a day. I think I might kick it up a notch on the walking, it makes me feel good.

I am looking forward to this week's challenge because I love to walk, although it is getting cool here and I don't want to get sick while exercising, that seems like a step backwards, lol.

This will have to be a short entry since my son is having a procedure on Friday and I am focused on that at the moment, he is having issues with his baby manhood and we have to get him circumcised now. Please, do not post you beliefs on circumcision, this is a medical issue and not a belief issue.

Busy Weekend

2009-10-03T22:47:00.002-05:00

This weekend is pretty busy but really fun at the same time. My family is in from Kentucky, (my great aunt and uncle) and they have only seen Aedan once before. We drove about an hour out to my Great Grandmother's house and visited with everyone, it was nice seeing family.

My Great Aunt and Uncle gave us $100 to get some cloth diapers and the rest is for Aedan. I am happy they support the cloth. ;) We talked for hours and ate dinner, they got to see Aedan's attempts at walking, if you hold his hands he can "walk" taking steps and going all the way across the room with you.

Tomorrow Jeff's parents are taking us to the pumpkin patch, they have two of the boys with them so it will be a trip to remember for sure. They are both hitting the teenage years and are "too cool" to do things like this with the family, lol.

I am going to take tons of pictures and I know Aedan will love seeing a whole bunch of pumpkins, we already have two in the house. Jeff and I have been talking about what we are going to carve into them. He is doing the transformer logos for Autobots and Decepticons. I am doing a spongebob for Aedan, I think. It depends on my skill level at carving. lol.

In other news; this last Thursday I went to see my OB-GYN about some pains I have been having, after he did an ultrasound we found out I have a few cysts and he is having me go on an IUD while Jeff finishes out chemo. He thinks it will be easier than me trying to remember to take my pill everyday, I should go in this coming week to get the IUD inserted. My doctor also said it will be easier to conceive after it is removed compared to the pill, and that is nice considering we have decided to try for another after the chemo (and waiting period due to chemo) is over with. We will not be actively trying, but more "not trying not preventing" actually trying and tacking things is too stressful. I am not going through that again.

Well I think that is all for now. I am off to check on my sleeping baby, he should be up again anytime, he takes late naps now that he is teething, we don't actually get to be until 1 or 2 am.

Week 1

2009-09-29T17:10:00.002-05:00

SoO here we are at week one of the Body After Baby Challenge put on by MamaNotes.

I have a starting weight of 149 lbs and I am hoping to get to 135 lbs. That is quite a bit to lose but I feel that if I stay focused I can do it. I started by cutting out the sugars from my diet, I tend to eat a lot of snacks throughout the day and it has been a little difficult to stop when my husband is still eating big bowls of ice cream in front of me. I have been walking around the subdivision every morning with my son in the stroller and that can be hard when it is so hilly. It is not downhill one way and uphill the other...it is more like a roller coaster. I am feeling it already. My husband and I are working together a little by parking at the end of the parking lot when we go to the store so we can walk all the way up to the door. I carry my son a lot, and he is 25 lbs, so that should count as a workout by itself.

I am drinking water instead of tea or soda, that gets a little frustrating when EVERYONE is having things that I want more that water. I just try to ignore what the rest of the family is eating and drinking because it doesn't make any sense to dwell on those things.

I am looking forward to seeing how things turn out for all the ladies involved. Good Luck to everyone!!

The biggest little battle this side of the Mason Dixon line.

2009-09-24T21:42:00.003-05:00

So again Jeff and I are trying to reach an agreement about the cloth diapers. He just doesn't want to spend the money on them. It is so hard to persuade him and get him to see the big picture.

We had cloth before, they were made for us by someone I am no longer in touch with and we saved a ton of money. Unfortunately they were a little small, and lets face it my son is not a little baby. I am looking for the best deals and Jeff is still on the fence. He will tell me to get them one day...and if I wait he changes his mind.

I am sick of buying a pack of diapers every week and a half. HELP! I have been cruising craigslist for some gently used cloth and these ladies want just as much or more than it cost to get new!

I need to get some advice...call in the troops!

First Pumpkin

2009-09-23T00:47:00.005-05:00

Just sharing the pics of Aedan with his first pumpkin.

Doesn't he look happy?

Impulsive.

2009-09-22T23:04:00.002-05:00

Today Jeff and I went out to cash a check from the trip we won to California back in May, the "spending money" just now arrived. While at the bank that issued the check we were told about a cash incentive for starting a checking and savings account, so we just did it, right there on the spot. We did not have a bank and we needed a way to use our money other than our re-loadable card...so it was sort of needed. Also we have put some money back in a savings account for Aedan and every time we spend money on our checking/debit account they will round up the change to the nearest dollar and put the difference in Aedan's account. I just attached the info in case I am not explaining it clearly. We thought that would be a good way to put money back for Aedan.

After that we went out and got some storage containers so we can organize our room, all three of us living in one room is tough. I miss living in my own place.

Then Jeff and I watched Dancing With The Stars, it is our guilty pleasure. He likes it more that I do, I think. Now he is playing guitar and Aedan is sleeping, I am still searching for the best deal on cloth diapers, I don't want to buy until I am sure I know what I want. After impulsively getting a bank account I won't get diapers without a billion hours of research....funny.

The early bird gets the worm.

2009-09-21T00:10:00.002-05:00

I have already started buying Christmas presents for my son, I have been planning to get a few things each month since we get money only once a month, so now we have begun. We went out all day with the in-laws and ended up getting three outfits and a drum. I am putting them in our storage unit with all the rest of my stuff so no one will mess with it. We have picked out a few more things to get but that will come later.

Jeff's parents bought Aedan a new booster/high chair that fits on a regular chair since we are tight on space. It folds up to be pretty small to store. They also got Aedan a cookie monster toy. He loves it so much, he laughs each time he sees it.

Well, I have a crying baby, Off to save the day.

Fist play day at the park.

2009-09-19T18:54:00.009-05:00

We just got back from the park. Aedan has been there before, but today was the first time ha got to play. He looked so happy the whole time. He loves to be outside, and today it was about 75 degrees and there was a slight breeze.

First we played on the swings...

Then we took him down the slides.

Then we took turns swinging with him, he was watching all the kids play.

Then we has a picnic on a blanket.

Now the little guy is napping in the crib, tomorrow we might go to the flea market with Grandma and Grandpa. It might rain so we will have to see.

Long Days.

2009-09-18T00:44:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow is going to seem super long. As soon as we wake up we have to get Aedan fed and changed before the home nurse gets here. The home nurse will take Jeff's home infusion chemo pump off and then we have to get ready to leave. Jeff has an appointment with an oral surgeon 45 minutes away, and barely 45 minutes to get there, here's hoping for no traffic.

I was really hoping to take Aedan to the local homecoming parade, it would have been a nice thing for him to see, but we won't be back from the appointment so I guess that will have to wait until next year's parade.

I am hoping to be able to get bigger sized cloth diapers since Aedan outgrew the ones someone made for us. It is hard to get the money to drop on enough diapers to ensure I am not washing all day, but now it seems just as big of a struggle just to get a few cloth diapers in his size. (he is a big baby)

I have been entering contests in hope of winning, I am a pretty lucky person when it comes to contests. I won a trip to California to the Game Show Awards and a Camp Rock guitar for my niece' Christmas present. Now diapers? They just seem to elude me. lol..

Not looking forward to taking the pic for the body after baby challenge. Ick. Well we will talk about that more later...I have to get my tush in bed.

Waiting.

2009-09-15T22:48:00.001-05:00

Waiting on body after baby challenge to begin, until then I have added a button.

Waiting to hear if Jeff will have chemo tomorrow, got blood drawn today, should hear first thing in the morning if they still want him to go. Lets hope so, he doesn't need to miss anymore treatments.

Back in the saddle.

2009-09-11T22:02:00.002-05:00

I am back on blogger and I am ready to post all the time again. I came back after some bad stuff happened, but I am here to do the body after baby challenge. After we lost our home, we moved twice and now are settled for the time being. We are still fighting Jeff's cancer and we have had a setback or two since I have last posted. Jeff's white cells have been low and we have not gotten to do treatment every two weeks like we should have, now we are working hard at helping his white cells come back up.

Aedan is now six months old and I love how he does something new everyday. He is still my main inspiration for life. I am still quilting and now I have even started to so a little bit of alterations and costume making.

But my little man is crying so I am off to take care of him now. More to come.

Packing is a pain.

2009-07-18T11:55:00.002-05:00

Jeff's last day of work is Monday and it is bittersweet. It is going to be kind of nice to have him home with me and Aedan but at the same time the income is gone...we will be making ends meet with what I make from my quilts. That is not a whole lot.

I am starting to pack for the move while Jeff is at work but I actually can't finish until we sit down and pick the date of the move and if we are renting a truck or what.
I am working on Aedan's room at the moment, I have most everything packed up, except for the things I am not keeping, but I need to get rid of it A.S.A.P. so I can use that space for the packed boxes. I am selling a few things on ebay and hopefully that gets a little bit of clutter out of our way.

I need to feed Aedan his lunch so I can work through his next nap. A mom's work is never done, lol.

Aedan is rolling!

2009-07-16T12:19:00.001-05:00

Last night during tummy time Aedan rolled from his tummy to his back for the first time! Jeff saw his teetering and grabbed his camera (phone) and managed to get it on video!

So proud of my little man!

Finally some free time...or not.

2009-07-13T14:50:00.004-05:00

Aedan decided to be nice and take a nap so I can finally get another update on here. We has his well baby check up last Thursday and he is now 19 lbs 10 ounces and 27 and 1/2 inches long, no wonder no one thinks he is four months old.

He has been sleeping in our bedroom for a few nights since we have started rearranging the house. He sleeps so much better in there, I think it is because he is further away form the noises.

I need to plan a group trip to the zoo for my friends and our kids. I know Kara and Gabriel would come, but I am not sure what day would be best for everyone else. I might actually do a trip to the zoo and science center when Henry comes up next month, there is not a whole lot to do around here, other than the usual of going bowling and playing our games.

That reminds me, I haven't set up a game night in a little while...that would be good to do soon. I might send out a message to my myspace friends and see who is available and when.

I am hoping to find someone with a baby near Aedan's age so we can have play dates and stuff. I have Kara and Gabriel but Gabe is already 2 and loses interest in Aedan and her next baby isn't due until Christmas time.

Jeff should be getting off work any minute so I better get off here and watch for his call so we can figure out what to do tonight.

4 months and 4th of July

2009-07-05T09:11:00.001-05:00

Today my boy is four months old. It seems like it has been longer, but at the same time it feels like no time at all. The picture is from a few days ago, we are not picture ready today. But Aedan is on the floor wrestling with dribbles... that is is blanket animal in the picture.

Last night was great, Jeff got off work a little early so we ran up the road to the fireworks stand, there's nothing better that taking your baby to a tent full of explosives. We bout about $30 worth and came back and arranged a show with our neighbors... we figured if we all pitched in we could have a better show.

Aedan sat in his car seat at first and watched a few parachutes and daytime type things. He never jumped too much when the neighbor kids did firecrackers. He didn't even cry unless there was just too many big bangs is a row. Then he fell asleep in his seat until it was almost dark and time for the pretty ones.

Aedan sat in my lap while Jeff and David set everything off. I think Aedan enjoyed his first fourth.

Getting excited for the future!

2009-07-02T22:33:00.000-05:00

We have been afraid to talk too much about the future since the cancer. It sucks but we think a lot about mortality now, we have already made arrangements for if something were to happen to Jeff, or myself, or both. We have named his godparents and made sure that they could take care of him in the chance that something horrible were to happen.

Now we have become confident enough to plan for our future, we are making arrangements for Jeff's homecoming to California next year...and of course little A and I will be there too. Starting a new life in Cali sounds nice, but we can not go until Jeff finishes chemotherapy and then we have to find an oncologist out there for his routine scans and blood work. Barnes Jewish Hospital has been wonderful to us, but we have to continue with our plans for our life.

We can begin to think about having a second child...we know we can not actually begin TTC until a year after Jeff finishes treatments so we are looking at around the beginning of 2011. That makes me feel strange... knowing we have no choice but to space our children that much, it goes against our old life plan.

Back to my original point...we are actually getting excited for these changes we are making. We hope to be on our way to our goal to moving next year so now we sit up talking about it all night. Jeff tells me about his friends and their kids and things that I will like about living there.

I hope we can stick to this plan because I am getting excited now.

So much to do.

2009-07-02T09:35:00.000-05:00

We are getting boxes to start packing, and since the house we are moving in is fully furnished we are going to put most of our stuff into storage. We just have to keep out our clothes, all Aedan's stuff, and our games and entertainment stuff. It is going to be weird living back in my childhood home, especially without my family. I am looking forward to having a yard, a washer and dryer, and a dishwasher. We are going to set up a splash pool for Aedan...he loves water.

The main reason we are moving in my family's house is so we can save the money to move back to California, Jeff has wanted to go back the whole time he has been in Missouri. We are spending time with his family and saving money so once we file taxes next year we can move with our return and savings money.

Jeff's friend Henry is flying out to see Jeff in early August. Jeff is stoked and has been meaning to talk with Henry about us moving back to California so we will just talk to him in person when he comes. He is bringing his girlfriend and possibly his daughter so I am trying to figure out what we will do while they are here.

I am going to really clean this place up since we are moving out within the month... this place will be in better shape than when we moved in, lol.

Moving....Again.

2009-06-30T16:26:00.001-05:00

Well today Jeff and I decided that we are moving at the end of the month. We will start packing soon and we are telling our land lord when we pay this month's rent. It will be easier to do this now and save up money to get a better place sometime next year. We are going to stay in my childhood home since there is no one staying there at the moment, my family has been in Texas for a year and my brother and his wife have been there but have recently left. All we will have to do there is cover the electricity bill.

We are getting a truck from my father in law's employer and moving out things into the basement there since it is still fully furnished with their things. I will have the luxury of a dishwasher and a washer and dryer. I don't have those now and I bet it will make a difference in the time I spend cleaning. I grew up in that house and it will be strange to go back there, I have not been there in a while since my family moved.

I still need to find a sitter for whatever day we decide to actually move, and get a few of the strapping men I know to give us a hand. *sigh* Moving...that's all Jeff and I seem to do. We have lived in four different places in the three years we have been together, five places if you count staying with my family after the fire.

F I N I S H E D

2009-06-29T14:03:00.000-05:00

I finished Aedan's first mommy made quilt. I kind of rushed and it could have turned out better but I am still super proud of it. I will be more careful when I make one for someone else. It only took three sittings to finish, it was just hard finding the time to sit down and sew.

OH! PICTURES!

Try to ignore my messy bedroom...and yes my husband sleeps on pink sheets with pink quilts....he is very sweet to do that.

Now I am considering making some baby quilts to sell... maybe for $30 since it cost me about $16 for the supplies for Aedan's and that was the cheap stuff.

Remembering Gabryel

2009-06-28T11:07:00.000-05:00

I find myself thinking about Gabryel a lot lately. I miss him to say the least. I wonder what it would have been like to have both of my boys together. It has been nearly two years since we lost Gabryel and it seems to be just as hard as ever. I always thought things would get easier but now I see that I will always cry when I think of him, I will always be reminded of him, and I will always think of him when Aedan hits a milestone.

My boys' due dates were only a week apart. Gabryel's was March 20 and Aedan's was March 13. I found out I was pregnant with Gabryel on July 16, 2007 and Aedan on July 3, 2008. I had ultrasounds on very close dates and I hit the dreaded 18 weeks at about the same time. We found out we lost Gabryel on October 19, 2007 via ultrasound... he was 18 weeks. I found out Aedan's gender early since they originally had the appointment scheduled for October 20, my doctor understood that it would have been hard for me to get an ultrasound that day.

I delivered Gabryel at 12:36am on October 20, and that will forever be his "birth date" and I will never forget that date. I remember holding him for what seemed like forever and at the same time would never be long enough. Just knowing that when we let them take him away we would never hold him again. It was incredibly hard for Jeff and me to decide when to let him go... how can you say I have spent enough time holding him? I could have stayed there for an eternity.

The nurses came in and took some pictures for us... they measured him...and made footprints, and I counted his little toes over and over. I still bring out his pictures every now and then, just to see how tiny he was, to see his face, to let it all out.

We had to decide what to do for funeral arrangements. I couldn't bring myself to have a funeral service for him since my family could not come, it would be to hard to remember it that way. We called our distant family's funeral home and they offered to do a cremation for free, we chose to accept. They let us know that since he was so small there might not be any remains left for an urn, and that was hard to take. But with the chances of us moving I could not let him be buried in a cemetery we couldn't visit.

Six weeks after we had him cremated I got a call from the funeral home, his urn was finally in and ready for us to pick up. I never thought that I would ever have to go pick up my son's ashes...not at 21 years old. It was a mixture of disbelief, devastation, and happiness. I had an urn...a memento of my son. I have the urn out on display...for all to see. I put his pictures (all but one) away with his hospital blanket and our hospital bracelets and other items.

I wonder if he and Aedan would be alike in personality, or if they would look similar. I wonder if we would have stayed here in Missouri or left to go back to California. Things were different back then, but now I have to be happy that we had Aedan, we did not forget Gabryel by any means, and he can never be replaced. I love both of my sons.

If it feels like nobody understands, maybe they don't.

2009-06-28T08:25:00.000-05:00

I am dealing with a lot right now, and I feel like people don't "get" it. I spend every waking moment busy as all get out...I do so much in a day it would make your head spin.

I get up at 7:00 am with my son, change him and feed him, get him settled so I can eat and clean the kitchen. I then do a sweep of the living room, pick up all the toys and vacuum. I check all of my online things and then pick up our bedroom...laundry sorted into baskets and make the beds. I do research on colon cancer and ostomy equipment for my husband...take a peek at the ostomy forum message board and then take care of the cats. (litter, food, water, brushing) When I have a minute I watch a tv show or work on baby quilts now that I have a sewing machine...and then make dinner, clean up dishes and get things ready for Aedan's bedtime. Usually he goes to bed at 9:00 or 9:30 pm and we go shortly after, we hardly ever stay up past 10:30 pm.

and that is just a normal day, things get more hectic when Jeff has chemo...

We have to get up two and a half hours before we have to be in West County. I feed and change the baby, pack the diaper bag and a cooler bag with snacks and beverages for us. Pack up anything I can do there, like balance the checkbook, fill out paperwork, do the bills. Get dressed and get breakfast for me and Jeff, we have to leave and hour and fifteen minutes before his blood work is scheduled just in case there is traffic...there usually is. We get there do blood work and then see the oncologist, she does a quick exam of Jeff and they talk about his side effects for the last treatment. Chemo starts and lasts 2-3 hours. There might be a wait for a chair...so we can be there as long as 6 hours total. While I am there I try to get my tasks done while keeping Jeff busy...not easy he is like a little kid fidgeting in his chair. We leave for home and then make dinner and clean up, then get Aedan ready for bed and then get us into bed.

It takes a lot out of us and yet I get friends and family that think we are blowing them off for no reason when we want to take a day to relax or do something fun. I am 23 and Jeff is 27... don't you think we deserve to have a little fun with our son? Is cancer supposed to control our lives? I think if someone could really see what a day in our life is like they would understand...but I don't want anyone to have to deal with what we are. No one should have to deal with this. Cancer is hard and it takes a lot out of you, and your family. Things are tense and we are lucky we can talk about things the way we do. It can tear a marriage apart, but you have to stay strong and not let anything destroy your life.

We are going to beat this, I say "we" becaue I am as much a part of this as Jeff. I am here for him 100% and I will find a way to keep us going. When he needs me I am here.

I just hope that people will see that the reasons we are stressed are SERIOUS and sometimes we need some time to relax. If we do something you don't understand, try thinking about it from our point of view. Wouldn't you do the same?

After Jeff's surgery he donated his colon to the research facility. His view on it was this: what if his body held the answer? what if doing that lead to a cure down the road?

We are trying to get this under control before our son is old enough to feel the sadness. Right now he takes trips with us to the cancer center, he plays with the nurses and is the center of attention wherever we go. We hope to have good news and have Jeff in remission before Aedan would know what cancer is so that he can have a normal childhood and have a healthy Daddy.

My greatest fear is that we would lose this fight, but we can't let the fear get us down. Medicine has come a long way and we will get through this. We will stay strong. We will stay together. I hope that anyone going through something life changing has all the luck in the world...because I know you need it as much as we do.

Things that make you think.

2009-06-27T22:28:00.000-05:00

My younger sister lived with our mother's ex boyfriend's sister since she was about two... I will pause while you read that three or four times to get that straight.

A few days ago that ex of our mother's died of a heart attack, he lived in the house where my sis and her "guardian" live. I just got back from the visitation, things seem to be okay but I worry about how my sister is doing. This guy was practically a dad to her at one point.

I am not going to the funeral tomorrow because of a prior engagement, and for the fact that I had never known him that well, I went to be with my sister at the visitation and that is enough. I don't want to over step my boundaries.

My son (as usual) was the center of attention, I had people I never met coming to hold him, I didn't refuse because I knew these people were family of the people who raised my sister, therefore practically family to me, and very sad to boot. Aedan cheered everyone right up, they laughed, he laughed, we all laughed.

On another note:
Aedan is finally getting back into tummy time now... I took a few pictures of him on his boppy, the bumbo seat is on the way.

Short Day

2009-06-26T16:00:00.000-05:00

Today is Jeff's short day at work, he gets off at 9 tonight, an could be out earlier if they aren't busy. Aedan is napping right now, and I just played the crap out of my Wii. I am into animal crossing and mariokart right now. It's pretty fun. I finally got around to getting my Wii online so I can do stuff with my friends, let me know if you want to exchange friend codes.

Aedan is better now after being sick...I caught it from him and I am better now too. Nothing like throwing up all day...yuck. Luckily Jeff didn't catch it, with the chemo lowering his immune system he would have been miserable and would have possibly had to postpone chemo.

Jeff has chemo on Wed this time and we don't have to be there until noon. We finally got to reschedule Aedan's urology consult since the last one was on the day of Jeff's emergency surgery. His appointment isn't until August 19, but they aren't actually going to circumcise him until he is about a year.

And there is a reason he is not circumcised yet...he was very swollen when he was born and his pediatrician did not want to do it then because it would have healed funny. He won't remember it anyway and he will get real anesthetic instead of just a local like all the newborns. He will also get to take tylenol or motrin for pain. lucky duck.

Well I should get off here and check my accounts. I also have to call my husband's old room mate in California and work out getting the last of our stuff shipped here. *sigh* nearly three years and our stuff is still everywhere but home.

Sick bubs.

2009-06-23T16:56:00.000-05:00

Well my little man is still sick, he has stopped throwing up but he is still miserable. He cries and cries and I feel so bad for him. He won't drink his formula right now, but he drinks his pedialyte. He is sleeping right now, but he should be up before too long. He seems to like sitting in the high chair...as you can see from the picture.

Jeff has the next two days off, thank goodness, and we are planning on doing all of the laundry and going to see transformers...but whether or not either of those things will get done is not clear. I need to get this place back in shape but I don't see that happening. Our living room has tons of stuff for Aedan everywhere. We have the swing, bouncer seat, tummy time playmat, boppy and the playpen all in here...it is cramped. He has been sleeping in his playpen since our place is so hot, if he sleeps in here he will stay cooler.

I am trying to get things done quietly so I should get off the computer and actually accomplish something before my boy wakes up.

Crushed,

2009-06-22T17:15:00.000-05:00

My little boy is sick, we just returned from a trip to see our awesome doctor. Aedan has a stomach bug, I think he got it from the neighbor's daughters. He is throwing up EVERYTHING and is only drinking pedialyte at the moment. Poor little guy.

I got a bit of work done on his blanket today...here is a picture of the block colors.