Twenty-one years old. I am twenty-one years old, but I do not do the things that a normal person my age does. I have not been to a bar for a night of drinking, I have not finished college. But what have I done? I have had my only child die. I have held my dead baby in my hands, and never held him alive. I have so much to tell him, but he is not here.
I found out that I was having a baby two weeks after I turned twenty-one. My boyfriend Jeff was happy, and he was there for me. I did not feel sadness I did not feel frightened I was incredibly happy. I couldn't wait. I called the local OB/GYN and made my first appointment and I told my family the exciting news. I quit smoking and did not drink. I left my job when I began to have some very rough morning sickness, and started to think about becoming a mommy.
I had blood tests and a consultation with my doctor, Dr. H. I followed doctors orders and began to prepare myself by reading all the books I could. I had my first ultrasound and saw the tiny ten week life we created. We went out immediately after the appointment and copied our pictures and gave them to Jeff's mother, my mother, my aunt and uncle who raised me, and my sister. I waited patiently for my second ultrasound, to find out the gender of our tiny baby. I had another check up with Dr. H at sixteen weeks the baby had a normal heartbeat and I had a routine blood test a triple-screen. Optional, they told me this was optional. I thought, sure why not, what could it hurt?
Let me say that when your doctors office calls you it is never for normal test results. I heard the nurse say that there is a chance of downs syndrome... a chance. I would have to talk to a genetic counselor, get an ultrasound, and have an amniocentesis all early the next morning. I called my family and cried, what if something was wrong? We had a normal heartbeat at sixteen weeks and I wasn't quite eighteen weeks. I went to my online diary and got messages from my readers, all of the women who had abnormal test results on the triple-screen tuned out to be false positives. I was slightly relieved. I managed to relax.
The next morning we drove to St. Louis and we met with the genetic counselor, went over the family history. Jeff and I sat there holding hands and I cried because I was still scared. The talk seemed to go on forever, but finally the time for the ultrasound came and I sat in the dim-lit room waiting for the nurse. She came in and explained that anything she found she could not talk about, she would go talk to the doctor about what she found out and then he would come talk to us. But as she began the ultrasound I saw that our baby was not moving. From this point on I knew there were tears streaming down my face, and I knew that the nurse could not tell me whether he was gone or not, but I somehow knew he was. The nurse left the room and I turned to my boyfriend and I told him I knew the baby was gone...dead.
The doctor came in a few minutes later and started talking to us about what was shown on the ultrasound. The baby had a twisted spine, probably from scoliosis. The doctor was not clear on whether the baby was still alive or not, so I just asked... very bluntly as I recall. In the end we found out that yes, our baby had passed.
I was sent back to my OB/GYN and I walked through the waiting room of people who had nothing wrong, I was puffy eyed and flushed, and my baby was dead in my womb. That is a feeling I would never wish for anyone to have. I was heartbroken and facing more decisions. My doctor did a quick exam and asked me if I wanted to go across to the hospital for labor and delivery or wait and do it the next day. I was shocked, I did not think I would have to deliver my baby... it never crossed my mind. I knew I could not handle going home knowing my baby was not alive inside of me, so my boyfriend and I headed to the hospital across the street.
I went to be admitted, and thought of how much it hurt to have to go to labor and delivery barely looking pregnant to not be able to take a baby home with me. I took the elevator up to the fourth floor and walked to the room I was assigned to. My nurse was there, Chris, she was really nice as she explained to me what was going to happen through the night, it was going to take me all night, at least until midnight to deliver. I changed into my gown and got into bed, I was going to be there for a while. I asked Chris if I was going to be able to see the baby after delivery. I was relieved to hear that we could see and even hold the baby. But it was going to be a long night.
My doctor came over and started the medicine that would help me go into labor. It was a tablet that was placed behind my cervix. I had to lay flat on my back for three hours, then I sat up for a few minutes, but of course they had to place another tablet soon after. My boyfriend sat there in that room with me, watching tv, talking to my sister-in-law and friend since junior high, they would go out together to smoke when I would fall asleep from my pain medicine.
Every so often Cris would check my cervix for dilation, and then give me another tablet. I was very hungry but was not allowed to eat anything because there was a chance of me having to get a D&C if delivery did not go well. After a while it was the end of Chris' shift and the night nurse Corrine came in, she was very nice as well but I was still so scared and sad that I couldn't believe that everything was really happening.
At midnight Corrine came in to check for dilation, she felt nothing. I was changed over from my injected pain meds to a medicine that I could get with a push button every six minutes. But as soon as Corrine left I began to feel a lot of pressure and then the baby was coming, I started to yell for Jeff who was in the hall on the phone with his mother. Corrine and Dr. H come in and Dr. H caught our baby in his bare hand. They took the baby over to the incubator and examined him. Yes, it was a little boy. Jeff picked his name Gabryel Alexander. I held my baby in my hands and had to somehow say goodbye to him, I did not know what to do. We talked to Gabryel, and cried for him, the nurses took pictures for us and brought us a blanket for him. Eventually we said goodbye and the nurses took him away.
Last week I was asleep on the couch and Jeff was at work when the phone rang. I answered to hear the voice of the man who helped us at the funeral home. We had Gabryel cremated a few days after the delivery, and the funeral home did everything for free. I was surprised to hear that they had ordered and urn for Gabryel's remains. We were told that since he was so small there would most likely be no remains left, but we had a miracle now... Gabe's urn was ready for me to pick up. I now have the tiny silver urn sitting next to the picture of me and Jeff with Gabryel. It is not much but this is what I have of my baby, my son, my first child, my Gabryel.
It has been six weeks to the day today and I still think of him every day. I finally sat and wrote this down. I think of the time I had, it was less than 18 weeks I got to hold my son in my womb. That, to me, does not seem a fair amount of time to spend with my first child. My baby did not even make it out of the womb alive. I did not get to feel the kicks or squirms of life in my belly. But I already had to feel the sadness of dealing with a child's death, at twenty-one years old.
Rest In Peace Gabryel Alexander Flowers
This entry was written June 29, 2009, our son Aedan was 3 months old and I found myself thinking of Gabryel a lot.
I find myself thinking about Gabryel a lot lately. I miss him to say the least. I wonder what it would have been like to have both of my boys together. It has been nearly two years since we lost Gabryel and it seems to be just as hard as ever. I always thought things would get easier but now I see that I will always cry when I think of him, I will always be reminded of him, and I will always think of him when Aedan hits a milestone.
My boys' due dates were only a week apart. Gabryel's was March 20 and Aedan's was March 13. I found out I was pregnant with Gabryel on July 16, 2007 and Aedan on July 3, 2008. I had ultrasounds on very close dates and I hit the dreaded 18 weeks at about the same time. We found out we lost Gabryel on October 19, 2007 via ultrasound... he was 18 weeks. I found out Aedan's gender early since they originally had the appointment scheduled for October 20, my doctor understood that it would have been hard for me to get an ultrasound that day.
I delivered Gabryel at 12:36am on October 20, and that will forever be his "birth date" and I will never forget that date. I remember holding him for what seemed like forever and at the same time would never be long enough. Just knowing that when we let them take him away we would never hold him again. It was incredibly hard for Jeff and me to decide when to let him go... how can you say I have spent enough time holding him? I could have stayed there for an eternity.
The nurses came in and took some pictures for us... they measured him...and made footprints, and I counted his little toes over and over. I still bring out his pictures every now and then, just to see how tiny he was, to see his face, to let it all out.
We had to decide what to do for funeral arrangements. I couldn't bring myself to have a funeral service for him since my family could not come, it would be to hard to remember it that way. We called our distant family's funeral home and they offered to do a cremation for free, we chose to accept. They let us know that since he was so small there might not be any remains left for an urn, and that was hard to take. But with the chances of us moving I could not let him be buried in a cemetery we couldn't visit.
Six weeks after we had him cremated I got a call from the funeral home, his urn was finally in and ready for us to pick up. I never thought that I would ever have to go pick up my son's ashes...not at 21 years old. It was a mixture of disbelief, devastation, and happiness. I had an urn...a memento of my son. I have the urn out on display...for all to see. I put his pictures (all but one) away with his hospital blanket and our hospital bracelets and other items.
I wonder if he and Aedan would be alike in personality, or if they would look similar. I wonder if we would have stayed here in Missouri or left to go back to California. Things were different back then, but now I have to be happy that we had Aedan, we did not forget Gabryel by any means, and he can never be replaced. I love both of my sons.
Now it has been almost 3 years, I have a third child on the way and we are hoping for a healthy baby. Still, we miss our first and we feel that sharing our story might help someone else. I know that no matter how much things change I will always miss my angel baby. Please remember to be there for those in your life when they need you, the loss of a child truly lasts a lifetime.
