Moving Again.

It was less than six months ago that I wrote about losing our home, we had to leave the only place we had, now we have less than a week until we move to our very own house.

It took a while but now we are in a better position than we were before, instead of renting we will own, instead of living in the middle of no where we will be in a populated area. Woo. I am so excited.

I will post more later, I am ready for bed.

Houses and such.

My husband and I have been living with family for four and a half LONG months and we are finally looking to find our own place again. We went out looking and we have found a place we like and a place we LOVE. The place we like is in the town we used to live in, it is a 2 bedroom 1 bath with a basement. It is alright, not anything special, then there is the one we haven't seen yet. We love it just by the look of it and we know that might change once we do go see it. (I think we are going tomorrow after chemo) It is a 3 bedroom about an hour from the town we live in now, it has 2 bathrooms, laundry hook up and a big yard. We would have to get appliances but I have talked with a relative that will let us use their spare refrigerator and I will have to wait on my washer and dryer. Jeff is really excited too, we have a ton of random thoughts we yell out when we think of them, just little things that we realise will be really nice to have.

Such as:
The cats will be inside again!
I can have a music room in the 3 bedroom! (him)
Room for another baby! (me)
T lives a few blocks away from the 3 bedroom. (his sister is T)
No waiting for the bathroom!
Aedan can have his own room again!
None of our stuff has to be across town in storage anymore!

The list goes on and on. There are downsides too. We will be further from chemo, by about an hour more. We will be broke FOREVER, lol. We will be in a new town, I haven't lived there since I was in 7th grade. We will be further from both our families.

For now we are still looking but we are hoping this works out ok. I will post up when we know more.

Lost in the present.

I feel a pressure on my chest, a weight, as if someone is standing on my ribs. My heart is heavy, I am so confused. I feel like my life will not change for the better no matter how hard I work.

There have been high points but they have been lost among the rubble of the chaos. I used to see opportunity perched on the horizon and now it seems to have vanished. I have little hope at times.

Jeff has three more chemo treatments left, if all goes as planned we should be done on December 16, or actually December 19 when they unhook his pump. Yet that is a very dim light at the end of a deceiving tunnel. From there we head back down the path of surgery, they plan on reconnecting the remaining piece of his colon. I am not sure if he really wants to do that or not, that will take us back to the previous problems associated with his ulcerated colitis. Another surgery brings up thoughts of a long recovery (again) and the memory of nearly losing him to infection. I can not do that again. I had a new born baby at home not sure if I would ever see my husband again.

I miss our old apartment, sitting together watching movies and snuggling. Now we share a room with Aedan in Jeff's mothers basement. I feel as if we have no freedom. I can not do things with Aedan how I would like to. We have to keep him quiet while others sleep so I have lost the sleep routine that I loved so much. I wish we could go back to our home, I cried so hard when I packed up the nursery I put together for my baby boy. I miss the privacy and the ability to be myself.

I am not sure how long it will be before we can even begin to think of moving back out. I will have to go back to work and I am so upset knowing I will have to find childcare for my son. I always thought I could stay at home with him and now it will be impossible.

Cancer has taken almost everything from us. I have my husband and my son, but I have lost nearly everything else. I know having them should be enough...but I still mourn the loss of our ________. It is so hard to put a word in the blank...how can one word describe such deep feelings?

I had always pictured things getting better but now I see them falling apart more and more. I don't seem to have a friend to sit and talk with. I have my husband but we have found that talking to each other just makes us feel like we are responsible for the other's pain. He did not get the cancer by choice so I KNOW he did not do this on purpose, but I still feel that I have caused us more grief than necessary. Impulse has been one of my weaknesses from as far back as I can remember and I have caused many people pain by doing things without thinking. Now I am causing my family pain by mentioning all to often how badly I want our old life back. Jeff beats himself up feeling that his disease is his fault, therefore this mess is somehow his fault. I know this is not true.

I need help. I am not sure from whom. I just need a release. I just...I don't know.

I have a reason to wake up everyday, I have my husband and my son. I have hope in them, I am trying to see the good. It just gets harder everyday.

Week Six

I am feeling beat down and lost. I am not doing well with the Body After Baby Challenge put on by Mamanotes. I just have trouble getting out in this weather to do anything. I did walk around for HOURS while car shopping today, but thats about all I have done.

I really need some help with all of this. Just somebody help. :(

This next week is going to be great, if there's one thing I can do it is sleep. I am all over this.

I have to go now, I need to get the stuff together for the car we are buying, woo.

Adventures In Babysitting

When did I become the on call babysitter? Yesterday my friend/neighbor stopped in to ask me if I could watch her two month old son today. I agreed because you never know when you might need them to return the favor. Then she told me why she needed a sitter, her sister usually watches Connor and her son has swine flu, so I will have Connor again tomorrow. Watching such a fussy and needy baby makes me realize how lucky I am to have a son like Aedan, he is content playing on his own long enough for me to fold laundry or do dishes.

I get Connor at 6 am and we usually sleep until 10. That makes me a little stressed out, I am not used to such a commotion so early. Aedan is a good sleeper and still managed to sleep until his usual wake up time.

I am hoping to have a better time with him tomorrow. Maybe he will be more accepting of us and not fuss so much.

I guess we will see. I need to go because I keep getting distracted by other things and we have to get to bed early. Not only are we watching Connor but we are going to try to fit in some car shopping tomorrow night after Connor gets picked up.

Moody and Halloween

I am not sure what is going on with my emotions, I just can't seem to stay in a good mood.

Last night was about the best that it has been, Halloween trick or treating with my little man dressed up as Link from the Legend of Zelda.

We went trick or treating for my niece Natalie, she is sick and didn't get to go out. My brother still had her dress up and come ring our doorbell and we got her a whole bag of candy and we bought her a barbie. She was thrilled. And she made the cutest little snow white ever.

But today I am sitting upstairs with Aedan while Jeff and his mom go through the closet and clean some stuff out. I am just in a bitter mood. I wish I understood what was making me feel like this. Yesterday I flipped out on Jeff because hestuck some stickers on his laptop. I just lost it. "Why would you ruin it be putting adhesive on it?" followed by 10 minutes of being pissy for no reason.

Today it is just awful. I guess it could be pms, I think it is a little early for that, plus I have never had a problem with mood swings before. *sigh* I guess I will just have to wait and see if it passes.