Moving....Again.

Well today Jeff and I decided that we are moving at the end of the month. We will start packing soon and we are telling our land lord when we pay this month's rent. It will be easier to do this now and save up money to get a better place sometime next year. We are going to stay in my childhood home since there is no one staying there at the moment, my family has been in Texas for a year and my brother and his wife have been there but have recently left. All we will have to do there is cover the electricity bill.



We are getting a truck from my father in law's employer and moving out things into the basement there since it is still fully furnished with their things. I will have the luxury of a dishwasher and a washer and dryer. I don't have those now and I bet it will make a difference in the time I spend cleaning. I grew up in that house and it will be strange to go back there, I have not been there in a while since my family moved.



I still need to find a sitter for whatever day we decide to actually move, and get a few of the strapping men I know to give us a hand. *sigh* Moving...that's all Jeff and I seem to do. We have lived in four different places in the three years we have been together, five places if you count staying with my family after the fire.

F I N I S H E D

I finished Aedan's first mommy made quilt. I kind of rushed and it could have turned out better but I am still super proud of it. I will be more careful when I make one for someone else. It only took three sittings to finish, it was just hard finding the time to sit down and sew.


OH! PICTURES!


Try to ignore my messy bedroom...and yes my husband sleeps on pink sheets with pink quilts....he is very sweet to do that.

Now I am considering making some baby quilts to sell... maybe for $30 since it cost me about $16 for the supplies for Aedan's and that was the cheap stuff.

Remembering Gabryel

I find myself thinking about Gabryel a lot lately. I miss him to say the least. I wonder what it would have been like to have both of my boys together. It has been nearly two years since we lost Gabryel and it seems to be just as hard as ever. I always thought things would get easier but now I see that I will always cry when I think of him, I will always be reminded of him, and I will always think of him when Aedan hits a milestone.

My boys' due dates were only a week apart. Gabryel's was March 20 and Aedan's was March 13. I found out I was pregnant with Gabryel on July 16, 2007 and Aedan on July 3, 2008. I had ultrasounds on very close dates and I hit the dreaded 18 weeks at about the same time. We found out we lost Gabryel on October 19, 2007 via ultrasound... he was 18 weeks. I found out Aedan's gender early since they originally had the appointment scheduled for October 20, my doctor understood that it would have been hard for me to get an ultrasound that day.

I delivered Gabryel at 12:36am on October 20, and that will forever be his "birth date" and I will never forget that date. I remember holding him for what seemed like forever and at the same time would never be long enough. Just knowing that when we let them take him away we would never hold him again. It was incredibly hard for Jeff and me to decide when to let him go... how can you say I have spent enough time holding him? I could have stayed there for an eternity.

The nurses came in and took some pictures for us... they measured him...and made footprints, and I counted his little toes over and over. I still bring out his pictures every now and then, just to see how tiny he was, to see his face, to let it all out.

We had to decide what to do for funeral arrangements. I couldn't bring myself to have a funeral service for him since my family could not come, it would be to hard to remember it that way. We called our distant family's funeral home and they offered to do a cremation for free, we chose to accept. They let us know that since he was so small there might not be any remains left for an urn, and that was hard to take. But with the chances of us moving I could not let him be buried in a cemetery we couldn't visit.

Six weeks after we had him cremated I got a call from the funeral home, his urn was finally in and ready for us to pick up. I never thought that I would ever have to go pick up my son's ashes...not at 21 years old. It was a mixture of disbelief, devastation, and happiness. I had an urn...a memento of my son. I have the urn out on display...for all to see. I put his pictures (all but one) away with his hospital blanket and our hospital bracelets and other items.

I wonder if he and Aedan would be alike in personality, or if they would look similar. I wonder if we would have stayed here in Missouri or left to go back to California. Things were different back then, but now I have to be happy that we had Aedan, we did not forget Gabryel by any means, and he can never be replaced. I love both of my sons.

If it feels like nobody understands, maybe they don't.

I am dealing with a lot right now, and I feel like people don't "get" it. I spend every waking moment busy as all get out...I do so much in a day it would make your head spin.

I get up at 7:00 am with my son, change him and feed him, get him settled so I can eat and clean the kitchen. I then do a sweep of the living room, pick up all the toys and vacuum. I check all of my online things and then pick up our bedroom...laundry sorted into baskets and make the beds. I do research on colon cancer and ostomy equipment for my husband...take a peek at the ostomy forum message board and then take care of the cats. (litter, food, water, brushing) When I have a minute I watch a tv show or work on baby quilts now that I have a sewing machine...and then make dinner, clean up dishes and get things ready for Aedan's bedtime. Usually he goes to bed at 9:00 or 9:30 pm and we go shortly after, we hardly ever stay up past 10:30 pm.

and that is just a normal day, things get more hectic when Jeff has chemo...

We have to get up two and a half hours before we have to be in West County. I feed and change the baby, pack the diaper bag and a cooler bag with snacks and beverages for us. Pack up anything I can do there, like balance the checkbook, fill out paperwork, do the bills. Get dressed and get breakfast for me and Jeff, we have to leave and hour and fifteen minutes before his blood work is scheduled just in case there is traffic...there usually is. We get there do blood work and then see the oncologist, she does a quick exam of Jeff and they talk about his side effects for the last treatment. Chemo starts and lasts 2-3 hours. There might be a wait for a chair...so we can be there as long as 6 hours total. While I am there I try to get my tasks done while keeping Jeff busy...not easy he is like a little kid fidgeting in his chair. We leave for home and then make dinner and clean up, then get Aedan ready for bed and then get us into bed.

It takes a lot out of us and yet I get friends and family that think we are blowing them off for no reason when we want to take a day to relax or do something fun. I am 23 and Jeff is 27... don't you think we deserve to have a little fun with our son? Is cancer supposed to control our lives? I think if someone could really see what a day in our life is like they would understand...but I don't want anyone to have to deal with what we are. No one should have to deal with this. Cancer is hard and it takes a lot out of you, and your family. Things are tense and we are lucky we can talk about things the way we do. It can tear a marriage apart, but you have to stay strong and not let anything destroy your life.

We are going to beat this, I say "we" becaue I am as much a part of this as Jeff. I am here for him 100% and I will find a way to keep us going. When he needs me I am here.

I just hope that people will see that the reasons we are stressed are SERIOUS and sometimes we need some time to relax. If we do something you don't understand, try thinking about it from our point of view. Wouldn't you do the same?

After Jeff's surgery he donated his colon to the research facility. His view on it was this: what if his body held the answer? what if doing that lead to a cure down the road?

We are trying to get this under control before our son is old enough to feel the sadness. Right now he takes trips with us to the cancer center, he plays with the nurses and is the center of attention wherever we go. We hope to have good news and have Jeff in remission before Aedan would know what cancer is so that he can have a normal childhood and have a healthy Daddy.

My greatest fear is that we would lose this fight, but we can't let the fear get us down. Medicine has come a long way and we will get through this. We will stay strong. We will stay together. I hope that anyone going through something life changing has all the luck in the world...because I know you need it as much as we do.

Things that make you think.

My younger sister lived with our mother's ex boyfriend's sister since she was about two... I will pause while you read that three or four times to get that straight.

A few days ago that ex of our mother's died of a heart attack, he lived in the house where my sis and her "guardian" live. I just got back from the visitation, things seem to be okay but I worry about how my sister is doing. This guy was practically a dad to her at one point.

I am not going to the funeral tomorrow because of a prior engagement, and for the fact that I had never known him that well, I went to be with my sister at the visitation and that is enough. I don't want to over step my boundaries.

My son (as usual) was the center of attention, I had people I never met coming to hold him, I didn't refuse because I knew these people were family of the people who raised my sister, therefore practically family to me, and very sad to boot. Aedan cheered everyone right up, they laughed, he laughed, we all laughed.

On another note:
Aedan is finally getting back into tummy time now... I took a few pictures of him on his boppy, the bumbo seat is on the way.

Short Day

Today is Jeff's short day at work, he gets off at 9 tonight, an could be out earlier if they aren't busy. Aedan is napping right now, and I just played the crap out of my Wii. I am into animal crossing and mariokart right now. It's pretty fun. I finally got around to getting my Wii online so I can do stuff with my friends, let me know if you want to exchange friend codes.

Aedan is better now after being sick...I caught it from him and I am better now too. Nothing like throwing up all day...yuck. Luckily Jeff didn't catch it, with the chemo lowering his immune system he would have been miserable and would have possibly had to postpone chemo.

Jeff has chemo on Wed this time and we don't have to be there until noon. We finally got to reschedule Aedan's urology consult since the last one was on the day of Jeff's emergency surgery. His appointment isn't until August 19, but they aren't actually going to circumcise him until he is about a year.

And there is a reason he is not circumcised yet...he was very swollen when he was born and his pediatrician did not want to do it then because it would have healed funny. He won't remember it anyway and he will get real anesthetic instead of just a local like all the newborns. He will also get to take tylenol or motrin for pain. lucky duck.

Well I should get off here and check my accounts. I also have to call my husband's old room mate in California and work out getting the last of our stuff shipped here. *sigh* nearly three years and our stuff is still everywhere but home.

Sick bubs.

Well my little man is still sick, he has stopped throwing up but he is still miserable. He cries and cries and I feel so bad for him. He won't drink his formula right now, but he drinks his pedialyte. He is sleeping right now, but he should be up before too long. He seems to like sitting in the high chair...as you can see from the picture.

Jeff has the next two days off, thank goodness, and we are planning on doing all of the laundry and going to see transformers...but whether or not either of those things will get done is not clear. I need to get this place back in shape but I don't see that happening. Our living room has tons of stuff for Aedan everywhere. We have the swing, bouncer seat, tummy time playmat, boppy and the playpen all in here...it is cramped. He has been sleeping in his playpen since our place is so hot, if he sleeps in here he will stay cooler.

I am trying to get things done quietly so I should get off the computer and actually accomplish something before my boy wakes up.

Crushed,

My little boy is sick, we just returned from a trip to see our awesome doctor. Aedan has a stomach bug, I think he got it from the neighbor's daughters. He is throwing up EVERYTHING and is only drinking pedialyte at the moment. Poor little guy.

I got a bit of work done on his blanket today...here is a picture of the block colors.

Birthday weekend.

Saturday was my birthday, I am now 23 years old. We attempted getting some of our friends to come out but most people were already busy with Father's day type stuff. My brother in law Andrew, and my ex boyfriend Mark came out and we played some wii together.

Today (Sunday) Jeff and I woke up at our usual bright and early 7:00am and decided to go to the flea market. We didn't buy anything there so we went to wal mart to kill some time and shop for diapers and wipes and such. Jeff and Aedan bought me a sewing machine for my birthday, I love it.

Then we went out to my Father in law's mother's place. She lives on a campground in Cuba. We took Aedan swimming for his first time in a big pool, he has dangled his feet in the baby pool two times before.

Me, Aedan, Kyrie, and Dayd


We grilled up some food and ate three cakes, one for my birthday, one for Tianna's birthday and one for Mike, Jeff, David, and Scott for father's day.

Jeff and I headed out when everyone else went fishing, we stopped and bought some fabric and I am already beginning Aedan's quilt. He has three handmade ones that my Great Grandmother made special for him, and two that she made for me when I was a baby.

Right now Aedan is sleeping and Jeff is watching TV, I am going to get back to work on my quilt now.

Late night birthday bowling!

Jeff's sister Tianna called me late last night, around nine right when Jeff was getting off work, she invited us to go bowling with them. I called Jeff and he said we would go so I got my sister-in-law to babysit.

The thing is Tianna didn't tell us we would be driving an hour and a half and crossing a state line, lol. We ended up in Illinois but the bowling alley was nice3 and smoke free. It ended up being David and Tianna, Dizzy and Jesse, and Jeff and me. We bowled one game that took FOREVER because we kept getting caught up in conversation. Then after midnight it was technically birthday bowling for me.

Tianna invited me because it was my birthday and tomorrow is hers, and we have been trying to get together and do something for our birthdays for four years and it never works, something always comes up.

After bowling we ate at IHOP and then headed back home. Jeff and I didn't get in until after 2am. Aedan had been in bed pretty much since we left, I felt bad for not being there to put him to bed, but Jen is more than capable of handling it.

When Jeff gets in from work we are going to pick up food for my birthday/father's day celebrations at his mom's tomorrow. Then his brother Andrew might come out tonight to play some wii and stuff. Not a picture perfect day but all right with me.

Getting back on track.

Jeff goes back to work today for the first time since starting chemo. We are going to see how he will feel while he is at work, there is really no way of knowing until he goes. I am going to be back in my usual job of taking care of our son, I love it but it is so much more easy and fun when Jeff gets to stay home with us. I am going to try to have Aedan in bed at a reasonable hour, but I also feel bad because I know Jeff wants to help put him to bed. Aedan usually goes to sleep around 9:30 and Jeff won't get home until somewhere between 10:00 and 10:45 tonight. We like having a set sleeping schedule too much to ruin it now, it might not last long so we are going to enjoy it while we have it.

My birthday is tomorrow but Jeff has to work. The worst part of that is that he works the weirdest shift, he will be leaving when I am getting Aedan up at around 7:30am and he is scheduled until 7-8:00pm. I am going to invite a few people out to play games at our house since Jeff has Sunday off, but that has already been planned out too.

I am going to get this place clean, and then give Aedan a bath when Jeff gets out of the shower.

OH! And we are finally caught up on our bills after all the surgeries and everything, now we only have electric (about $60/month) internet and cable (about $90/month) and our rent ($390 each month for a 2 bedroom not bad at all) to pay each month, so we can take care of that...hopefully noting else comes up.

Busy as Bees

Jeff has his chemo on Tuesday, Bone marrow biopsy on Wednesday, and a home nurse is coming today to unhook his home infusion pump. He has to wear the pump for two days after each treatment at the cancer center.

My birthday is Saturday but we aren't doing anything that day because Jeff works so since he has father;s day off we are just combining the two. We are going to his mom's house since she has the day off and that's pretty rare for her, and Jeff said he has a surprise for me.

I got a him a photo book made with a bunch of Aedan's pictures, it is really cute. I am not sure what else we are going to do this weekend but we will see what happens.

Last night Kara and Gabe came over, and it always makes me a little sad since our first son had the same name as Kara's son. (Gabryel Alexander and Gabriel Alexander)
Gabe played with Aedan and I took some pictures.

Yesterday,

Jeff has his first chemotherapy session yesterday. It went pretty well, he hasn't has any bad reactions yet, but he had to have a bone marrow biopsy today, they think he might have stage 4 instead of 3. That sucks.

Aedan was so so well behaved the whole time at the cancer center. All of the nurses were playing with him and he just smiled and laughed, like the whole time.

Aedan just woke up from his nap, I will continue this later.

Up late.

Aedan has been in bed for about two hours so I can write now. He is very good at bedtime, he has been sleeping 6-8 hours for about a month now. We do days on demand, (feedings, naps, and play times) And we do nights on a schedule. He is usually taking his last nap about 7:30 or 8:00 p.m. and then he wakes up for his last feeding. Once he has a full belly we put him in his crib and he tuckers right out. We are so lucky...I do not take it for granted.

Usually right after he goes to bed Jeff and I hop in our bed and that's all for the night, but since he has gone back to work after his surgery things have changed a bit. Unfortunately he does not get to do bedtime on most Mondays and Tuesdays, but he usually has Wednesdays and Thursdays off so we do it together then. Fridays he gets off an hour early so he barely makes it in time to put Aedan to bed and he works weekend mornings and gets those nights too.

He is looking for a different job at the moment, he applied at the place his brother works so he could work from home after three months but we haven't heard anything yet. He really wants to be at home with me and Aedan more.

His cancer has changed things a lot. He has started putting his health higher on the list of priorities and we have talked about when to have another baby. Obviously we can't start trying until after the chemo due to the risks for the baby and all, and then we need to take into consideration how well I am healing from all the c-section stuff. We had a difficult pregnancy to say the least. We know that any pregnancy from here on out will be a c-section due to my health problems.

I wish Aedan liked tummy time a little more, he tires of it so quickly. If anyone has any suggestions I am open to them. He won't relax his legs when he is on his tummy, he wants to be in a "crawling" position with his legs but he has his face flat on the floor or boppy...it's almost funny.

When we go to see Jeff's oncologist all the doctor's and nurses talk to Aedan, he loves it. I guess that's the good thing about going to so many hospitals and doctor's appointments...he has become very social. He is very good when we take him out. We have taken him to the zoo twice and he hardly fussed the whole time. He loves being outside. We are actually thinking of going back to the zoo a time or two this summer, but we want a few other people to come. I like to get the kids Build a Bears, I love their reactions.

Tomorrow is the first time (hopefully) that Jeff goes up for chemo, we have been up there about five times but the insurance claims hadn't gone through so they had to send us back home. I have pretty much everything ready to go, chemo should last about five hours. That is a long time to have Aedan there, but I don't have a sitter. I need someone local to watch him, I would pay someone I know but everyone works.

Well Jeff called just now, he is on his way home so I am going to go, we are going to have to go to bed so we can be up and ready to go all the way to the Cancer Center in the morning.

Beginning Again

I used to be on here all the time, then chaos came into our life and I am just now catching up.

I have my beautiful baby boy now, after a long hard pregnancy he is finally here. Having him is the greatest thing ever, although it does make me miss our first son.

Aedan is three months old now, and he is getting a ton of personality. I am a stay at home mom and I love it, but i do wish my husband could spend more time at home with us.

My husband has stage three colon cancer and we are finally getting to start chemo treatments on Tuesday. He has an ostomy bag now since he had to have his large intestine removed. It is tough but we are getting through it.

My birthday is Saturday, Jeff works but he has Father's day off. I am not sure what we will be doing yet, but we will do something.

I should go for now and get Aedan up from his nap...but I will be back soon.