Remembering Gabryel

I find myself thinking about Gabryel a lot lately. I miss him to say the least. I wonder what it would have been like to have both of my boys together. It has been nearly two years since we lost Gabryel and it seems to be just as hard as ever. I always thought things would get easier but now I see that I will always cry when I think of him, I will always be reminded of him, and I will always think of him when Aedan hits a milestone.

My boys' due dates were only a week apart. Gabryel's was March 20 and Aedan's was March 13. I found out I was pregnant with Gabryel on July 16, 2007 and Aedan on July 3, 2008. I had ultrasounds on very close dates and I hit the dreaded 18 weeks at about the same time. We found out we lost Gabryel on October 19, 2007 via ultrasound... he was 18 weeks. I found out Aedan's gender early since they originally had the appointment scheduled for October 20, my doctor understood that it would have been hard for me to get an ultrasound that day.

I delivered Gabryel at 12:36am on October 20, and that will forever be his "birth date" and I will never forget that date. I remember holding him for what seemed like forever and at the same time would never be long enough. Just knowing that when we let them take him away we would never hold him again. It was incredibly hard for Jeff and me to decide when to let him go... how can you say I have spent enough time holding him? I could have stayed there for an eternity.

The nurses came in and took some pictures for us... they measured him...and made footprints, and I counted his little toes over and over. I still bring out his pictures every now and then, just to see how tiny he was, to see his face, to let it all out.

We had to decide what to do for funeral arrangements. I couldn't bring myself to have a funeral service for him since my family could not come, it would be to hard to remember it that way. We called our distant family's funeral home and they offered to do a cremation for free, we chose to accept. They let us know that since he was so small there might not be any remains left for an urn, and that was hard to take. But with the chances of us moving I could not let him be buried in a cemetery we couldn't visit.

Six weeks after we had him cremated I got a call from the funeral home, his urn was finally in and ready for us to pick up. I never thought that I would ever have to go pick up my son's ashes...not at 21 years old. It was a mixture of disbelief, devastation, and happiness. I had an urn...a memento of my son. I have the urn out on display...for all to see. I put his pictures (all but one) away with his hospital blanket and our hospital bracelets and other items.

I wonder if he and Aedan would be alike in personality, or if they would look similar. I wonder if we would have stayed here in Missouri or left to go back to California. Things were different back then, but now I have to be happy that we had Aedan, we did not forget Gabryel by any means, and he can never be replaced. I love both of my sons.